Getting Overwhelmed...

Hi, I am on here because I feel so alone. I just moved to a new, very small town, to live closer to my family. I have had anxiety, depression, and possibly ADHD for as long as I can remember. But this year has been hard, and it seems I am getting worse. I resorted to scratching cuts in my arms even though I know this is stupid. Anyway I was working at the only job I felt I could do, office cleaning, and only at night. This burned me out and I never saw the sun or any friends. So I gave up and moved across the country to come strange “home” to this town to stay with my parents and brother who are cramped in a 2 bedroom apartment here. (House and rent prices are through the roof and I don't have enough money to live on my own yet). It is very very cold (-30) and I am having trouble finding work because the ADHD makes it near impossible to concentrate on fast paced jobs like cash, etc. That is why I was doing cleaning before, but it makes you feel like a complete unskilled loser because I am smart but only at useless things like drawing Lol. Without money I can do nothing and without a job I am nothing.
On top of this I just met a guy who I hit it off with but he is the “wrong” culture and my family disapproves to the point of being hysterical. And he is pressuring me for sex which I am not comfortable with yet. So this is just adding to my stress which is getting too much. Usually in this type of stress situation I eventually up and leave because I just can't handle the stress. I am at the point of shaking all the time. But because I have no money I can't get away...so that is why I keep thinking of death. But I don't really want to die so I am just going to binge on sweets and that will help temporarily. Other than that I really don't know what to do, I am terrified of ending up on the street where I would quickly be carved up or frozen to death. Any ideas?

Oh and usually I can pull myself out with self-help, but I am too exhausted....
clouds4208 clouds4208
36-40, F
4 Responses Jan 12, 2013

One question: which specific family member did you want to be close to when you moved to this small town? Make an effort to be sincere...

my parents and brother

Please re-read my question...:) ?

i knew it was a trick question lol

It's ok...you don't have to answer now...or at all if you prefer.

1 More Response

I can so relate to what you are going through. Talking to people (strangers, especially) helped me get by. Knowing that there are people like me out there. I have even resorted to going online to chat with random people just to take my mind of killing myself.
I also am having trouble with money and job at the moment, so I can't live independently as well. And my brother has ADHD and ASD so I can totally understand where you're coming from. If you need someone to just talk to about stuff, leave me a message or something.

Well thank you LonelyDinosaur, that is very helpful to me. Well don't kill yourself that will be too upsetting to me and your messed up brother and other people. What kind of job do you do, or want to do? Do you have any hobbies? Thanks for writing. :)

Nah, I have taken killing myself out of my mind completely since realizing that I wouldn't want to hurt my loved ones. But I still have terribly sad thoughts of disappearing. But I deal with it in so many different ways.
I'm a nurse, and have worked with so many different people. From the newborn to the very old, both sick and healthy. But have been troubled with my job recently. Well, I love animals, especially dogs. So I do some volunteer work every now and then in pet shops and independent shelters.
I read that you're good at drawing? I love drawing too, and I hope it doesn't make you feel like an unskilled loser or anything. My brother is in the art stream, but he's having a tough time with school because of ADHD and ASD.
How bout you? Hobbies other than drawing? What's keeping you busy nowadays?

Hi, i love animals so much, especially cats and dogs...they can cheer me up. I spent a good portion of the day watching cat videos. Oh I didn't know there was anything about drawing but yes I like it. The problem with that is,it just feels like all of my main skills are kind of useless....you know who cares about art? But I am doing the What Colour is Your Parachute book to find ways to get decent,fulfilling work....
I am always busy, trying to learn languages, refresh graphic design skills too...and here's something I found in the Parachute book: 4 ways to keep from losing hope: always have more than one plan for things, try to find some small thing you can control, believe that everything has a purpose, and finally ignore depressing statistics....

I may not be in the arts field, but I care heck a lot about arts. I love arts, I admire paintings and drawings and sketches. I know so many people in the arts business, and I know what you're going through. It takes a beautiful mind to appreciate art.
I hope you don't mind me asking, what field are you in? If you're into animation, check Blender out. I have a couple friends who use it for their animation. Also check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vpg9yizPP_g
I met the guy responsible for that, and he was so nice and cool.

and by the way, I love, love, love animals too. I did that once. Watch cat videos all day. And I was laughing so hard. :)

Neat I will check it out, thank you. I am just working on doing a little freelancing...even if it's just a hobbie to stay sane :) It seems like such a huge goal...well I have done graphic design but my favourite is illustration and art by hand (mostly acrylic painting)....I think I will try painting some pet portraits too. Thank you for your comments LD :D

I love acrylic paints. I try to paint portraits but end up just drawing them. And since I don't really have the specialization in lines and shades, I end up with a lifeless drawing. I adore people like you who put their passion to work. Looking forward to seeing some of your portraits soon. :)

4 More Responses

Thank you LostGirl, your words are very nice to read. They mean a lot.:)

I have cut myself before too, and felt guilty about it afterwards. Please be gentle with yourself and take things slowly if you need to. Best of luck to you :)