Male Age 38, My Story About Depression And Relationships Also

Im Justin and i suffer from depression. I have done on and off sice i was 17.
I grew up overseas in new zealand, the youngest of 4. Ihad a pretty disfunctional upbringing with my parents arguing all the time and mum threatening to leave my dad which she did just before i tunred 14 when she came back to the u.k where they are both from.

I came back to the uk when i was nearly 17, i didnt get on with my dad and he staye back in new zealand

When i was 14 an older guy of 18 did some things to me that i let happen. It only happened once but really messed my mind up.

At 16 i had a huge panic attack where i couldnt breathe. This was caused by a build up of things. My 20s were lonely years realtionship wise until the age of 29 when i met my wife to be. I was married only 3 years and had large periods out of work. In fact i have had over a decade on and off out of work which i am ashamed of. My last raltionship lasted 18 months and ended last july, i sabotaged it and dumped her in a low mood then put myself back on a free dating site a week later. The one i met her on. She joined up and said she knew i would do that. I realised i made the biggest mistake of my life, i miss her like crazy and have doen everything to get her back. I deserve what ive got though i guess. This threw me into a huge depression where i have lost 2 stone and been suicidal every day for 4 or 5 months now. I ruined the one person who had been there for me and treated her so bad. She met a guy on a night out after only 2 weeks after us and is still with him.

Most of the time i have low lying mood which sometimes goes away, this time its tipped over into severe where i feel suicidal. Ive tried meds for 6 weeks and they didnt work. I feel like a bad person, guilty and have lost who i used to be which was creative, fun and felt like a good person for while there too. I am waiting to speak to a counsellor in march. Life really can be hell, i have never known pain or despair like this in my life. in 2011 and some of 2012 i had the best time of my lif and was confident, looked good and felt good mostly. Why do i keep messing things up ???
justn74 justn74
36-40, M
2 Responses Jan 13, 2013

You have an illness, so please try not to blame yourself. Can you get in earlier to see a counsellor or doctor? If they know how you're feeling, perhaps they can squeeze you in. Please don't give up :)

Hi, I know it feels shameful when you can't work...and I would suggest trying other meds before giving up. I tried 4 or 5 before one worked, and I have been on it for years (Effexor). It does make a difference, a huge difference. Don't wait til March, go see a medical doctor now. But the counsellor can help as well. :)

thanks, yes i think i will go see the doctor this week. Feeling suicidal is scary as hell because it feels realistic this time. I can deal with normal depression, this time round ive had insomnia quite bad too

Hmm if you are feeling that suicidal I would get to the ER right away. Do you have a plan to commit suicide? or are you just kind of thinking "I wish I was dead"? The more plans you have the more dangerous it is. I have gone 3 or 4 times to different ER's...you have to wait a while but they will help you. There is no need to suffer when there are doctors and medications