Disregarded

All my life i marveled at its perfection. i would spend hours in school or home living a fantasy that i would someday reach its point and be a part of its community, one of them. i cant imagine what it would be like, middleclass life as a child. The youth years seem so blissfull and...refine. i cant describe the envy. I have been so dissapointed with my life. For a long time it was hard not to blame my parents for where we are now. But after a while understanding substituded anger and frustration. Poverty is a funny thing, the perspective of everything i imagine different from one of a higher class. Like life out side of a city i would gaze into its intoxicating light, and wish i were part of it all. what lifes and dreams were created there? i would wonder.... i always used to tell my parents when i was younger "im going to college, im going to get us out, im going to move to san fransisco or New York." Lies, false hope, illusions, distractions. I feel like such a pus sy for feeling like this, and rightfully so.

mainstream Society seems to ignore the struggle's of the lower class, but i probably would too if i were in their position "Out of sight out of mind", and why should they care?  I guess you could call it indifference.  But it feels almost like betrayel. Subjugation by the chains of poverty is something you learn to live with and try to ignore untill you cant, moments of weakness. and when those moments bear down on you its a heavy intoxication. But eventually you climb back up and pretend it isnt true, feining ignorence. Im just trying to acknowledge it before i pretend it doesnt happen. Its a lonely process, one you dont speak of to your family members becouse its embarrasing, a weakness frowned upon becouse it means they have to acknowledge it too. A complete let down thats best not to drag the others lower with you. Drugs are a pacifier wich is why so many "poor people" do it, and its often why most cant pull out of the spin. i know from experience. "we lose ourselves but we find it all." im not trying to justify  my use im only explaining it, wich is why (i think) i joined this site three years ago. A way to express and explain. I wish i could apologies to my body for the abuse i put it through, such a gift it is to be alive, and a shame to fade its purpose. "All apologies"
s0undgarden s0undgarden
18-21, M
1 Response Jan 14, 2013

You're not a *****.

Sometimes I think I am.
But then I think, lets see someone else be me and make it as far as I did. Because I know the true ******* are those laying in bliss and ignorance. Grasping the balance beam with the rest as the minority has nowhere to grasp and have to step over greedy hands.

Things can turn out though. Time is key.

You have a nice way of writing by the way. Do you like writing?

its the only way i can express myself, so yes i guess i do. its better then not sharing.