Don't Want To Go On...

For three decades I have been a devoted wife and mother, but I have fought a terrible battle with depression. From the very beginning of our marriage my husband did what he wanted, never called when he would be late from work and ignored me every night.
When I would cry and say how lonely it made me feel to be married and neglected, he didn't care and wouldn't change a thing. I even told him that leaving me so lonely was a mistake and that it made me vulnerable to needing some other attention-he laughed.
I tried to build a life, but as a stay-at-home mom I didn't get to do much with other people. Eventually I got involved in church and had somewhat of a social life. The church people were clique-ish and often excluded me from their activities because I didn't like to gossip and trash people. I have had a devout faith in God my whole life and have always tried to do right.
After 29 years of unhappiness in my marriage, my first love contacted me. We began to chat online every day, reminiscing about our youth together. He touched something in me that had been dead for many years and we decided to meet for coffee. The chemistry was palpable between us when he kissed me on the cheek. The more we chatted, the more we found common opinions and had wonderful intellectual discussions. Sometimes he would talk about our lovemaking when we were young and how good we were together, and it could be again. After months of this I fell deeply in love with him again, and agreed to meet him. We began an affair and I felt alive and wanted again. He told me he loved me more than once.
After several months of seeing eachother as circumstances would allow, he began to say hurtful things, like he was pushing me away. Then he stopped answering my calls. After six months, I texted him to ask how he was. He answered and we met for coffee. He invited me to his house the next day. I told him how much I had missed him and we made love. I left and he didn't contact me or answer my calls after. It hurt so much being ignored-by another man! Then two weeks later a text saying hi.
He has asked me over several times since then, but I wouldn't because I couldn't bear to be treated like that again. We've talked a few times and had nice conversations so I thought we were getting closer again. Then all of a sudden he tells me he's seeing someone and I can only say hi, but nothing like I miss him or anything. Meanwhile he keeps texting me things about having sex while he's seeing someone else! I know now that he's a selfish man and I've been a fool.
I feel such profound guilt-this is not who I am. I was so vulnerable and needy and now I have to live with this horrible shame. I have never felt sorrier for anything in my life-I can't see any light or happiness in the future.
During the last two years with all this going on my husband finally realized how unhappy his actions made me all these years and he's trying to change. He has been so much better. I want to respond to him, it's what I always wanted, but part of me is so angry at him for he put me through-and causing me to make the most painful mistake of my life. I know what I did was so wrong, but he left me in a desert of loneliness that I endured for 29 years! And when I told him day after day that I cried myself to sleep at night-he did nothing. He's been so wonderful lately but I'm terrified about him finding out and kicking me to the curb-even though I was absolutely devoted to him and our children for all these years. I just want desperately to heal and love my husband and make our marriage even stronger than ever.
I'm brokenhearted for being abused and neglected by my husband who vowed to love and cherish me, and used and discarded by another. I know God forgives me, but how can I forgive myself? Will coming clean help? Or make things worse? My heart is so broken I'm sick to my stomach all the time.
unhappysuzyq unhappysuzyq
46-50, F
3 Responses Jan 14, 2013

Do nothing until you speak with a good counselor you can connect with.
Take care of yourself. Forgive yourself, you are human. Being human you are not perfect and are deserving of love, comfort and compassion. So treat yourself with the compassion you would treat others with.

"I'm brokenhearted for being abused and neglected by my husband who vowed to love and cherish me, and used and discarded by another. I know God forgives me, but how can I forgive myself?"

I'm not for one moment condoning your husband's treatment of you. But didn't you also vow to love and cherish your husband, "for better or worse"? Then don't blame him for your affair. Regardless of his behavior, he didn't push you into bed with the old flame. God WILL forgive you, when you truly repent, and will give you peace. When you accept that gift or being washed clean, you won't need to forgive yourself. Then He will lead you to do what's right, and sustain you through the consequences.

You are right Gloria. I am humbled in the knowledge of what I'm capable of. One of the things I have learned is to stand up for myself when something hurts me and not to stuff it until the situation becomes desperate and painful. I hope I can forgive myself one day.

In order to find that live devotion and love toward your husband, you need to forgive yourself.
I don't believe you should take and run with the advice that anyone gives you here. I'd like to say come clean for that will help take away the guilt. I do not know if your husband will be forgiving of that and he would attend marriage couseling.
Until you decide what to do seek a couselor that will help lead you into an answer you can live with. After some one on one sessions he may even ask your husband to come in with you. Do you thind your husband would see a therapist to help you and help your marriage.
Love is unconditional you would be surprised what one can forgive. I believe guilt also can haunt you forever. Take the advice from others that make comments, but don't apply them unless you have really thought of it and can live with in.
Best advice from me is see a couselor

Thank you Keeva. This is good advice. It is sad that what I've done will always be with me, and I'm so disappointed in myself, but it has made me more understanding of others who make mistakes in their pain. I know it will get better.