Climbing Out Of A Hole Oiled With Grease!

I am down today.

It takes so much for me to maintain and not slip into one of my moods of despair. I have to make sure to eat right, take supplements, exercise, get enough light, get enough sleep, take my medications, practice mindfulness, and try to keep to some type of structured routine (the last is my worst struggle). I hate being such a hot house flower.

I try really hard to maintain a positive attitude and practice gratitude. But, I am really discouraged right now. For the past two weeks, I have been ill.

First, I have adenomyosis and endometriosis and I have had a really bad month with symptoms and pain. It was so bad earlier this month, I almost went to the ER thinking I had appendicitis. However, I have had these type of symptoms for decades, and I have been to the ER before thinking it was something more serious, and it is always the same thing. So, I managed it at home using a lot of natural remedies and bed rest. Finally, I felt better after about five days of being incapacitated. But, two days later, I started coming down with cold symptoms and now I am in bed again with the flu! My immune system must be really knocked down, so I am going to have to really focus on healthy eating and supplements for a while. But, my point is not about being sick.

I can manage going through not feeling physically well for a month. Not fun, but whatever. What is getting me really, really, really down is that I am not able to do all the things it takes to maintain to manage my stupid moods, and so, I am struggling emotionally on top of being sick! My house is a total mess (organization if my biggest challenge, I barely keep up when I am doing my best, this has thrown me into paralysis). I want to address the mess, clean out my kitchen and fridge and make some homemade soup, but I don't feel well enough to even climb the stairs!

I am really lucky in that I have great friends, a wonderful guy, and a lot of blessings that I do not for a minute take as granted. I am just so tired from the constant struggle just to maintain. I feel as if I just get on my feet and start to function in a somewhat normal way, and then I fall down the same damn hole and I have to climb back out!

I don't want to always be running in place. I want to be able to function in the world, and have enough energy to live my life. I don't mind fighting, but I am getting sick of getting knocked down and being so fragile with my moods. I feel as if I am a failure that I struggle so hard to accomplish what other people seem to be able to do in their sleep. It is effecting my self esteem and the way I view my abilities.

Rationally, I understand what I am up against. My family history is laden with suicides, bipolar, schizophrenia, and serious depression. On both my mother and father's side. My doctors have explained that I am not producing dopamine, and that it seriously impairs my ability to concentrate and focus. It also results in lack of energy.

I have been open to everything to heal this....I take meds but I am so super sensitive to their side effects that there are only a couple I can manage to tolerate.

Overall, I do manage to have a life despite my struggles. But, it gets really hard when I get knocked down and can't do the basics to keep myself at a baseline level of functioning. It is the exhaustion of picking myself up...again...and again....and again....and again....that is so discouraging.

It seems just maintaining myself requires all my energy and focus. And, it is hard not to feel like a failure and a burden when your main accomplishment in life is simply managing to not be overcome by depression and mania.

Like....woah. Look at you not going into the hospital and sitting with your feelings. You GO, girl.

I know I should have compassion for myself. With my family history, I am breaking generational patterns and it is a noble struggle to keep getting up when you are knocked down. Intellectually, I know this is true. It takes strength to keep trying. And, I will keep trying.

But, right now, I feel discouraged and the entire endeavor of life seems as purposeful as running on a hamster wheel all day long. Half started projects, unpaid bills, and a messy house are just littered all around me. I want to get past this physical illness, so I can at least start breaking these things off in little pieces. But, I get going and get a good start, and it seems I am back on my knees trying to stand again.

It's exhausting. I don't expect it all to go away, and I have even come to accept that I have to do a lot to manage and function in basic ways. I just would like to get past the tripping and falling over myself to get back up part. Not win a marathon race, but manage to stay functional and emotionally well long enough to get my house and finances organized and maybe get some of my projects finished. I almost get there....or I get there and stay for about a month and then I am right back to fighting to keep my mood from not consuming me.

Round and round and round it goes.


Sigh............
rosedl rosedl
41-45, F
Jan 14, 2013