Picking Up The Pieces

My doctor says I might have been depressed longer than I thought I was. She explains to me that I could have been denying the depression to the point when I could no longer handle it.
I think I was a happy child. I grew up doing things I wanted to do. Don't know the feeling of being bullied, cause I had friends who were bullies themselves.
I always had to battle my esteem issues, but it never got really bad until I was in University. I felt like a loner, and honestly, I preferred being alone. I hated going to school events. I got well with my classmates, and had a few friends. But I never really enjoyed hanging out, it felt so awkward. I finished college without any problems or delays, and when I finally moved away to work, I still felt like I didn't belong.
It was as if I didn't belong anywhere. Like I was misplaced. I don't like being noticed, most of the times, I wish I were invisible.
I was doing well at work, but I was getting burned-out, and I was very unhappy. I wasn't complaining, but I wasn't growing professionally and emotionally. So I quit my job. I took a good job offer that went on for a couple of months. I enjoyed it because of the privilege of travelling, but it only lasted while the employer had his contract, which was not too long till it ended.
I was jobless for quite some time, until I worked in a day care center where I fell in love with the kids I took care of. The parents loved me because of my sincere love for the children. But when I had a better offer from a big hospital, I grabbed the chance of somehow growing into my career.
I started work without an orientation from the employers nor supervisors. I was told that the orientation will be given 2 weeks after, and my supervisor was a snobby b&^*h who thought she knew everything. She made everyday a living hell. I tried doing what I knew, and she would try to poke needles and really find fault at what I am doing. When I complained to the head, all she told me was to be patient and wait for my orientation. After a week of being constantly tortured, I made another complaint to the head saying that isn't how they should treat a new staff. I was so frustrated with the incessant verbal abuse that I handed out my resignation letter. I didn't have a back-up plan for what cold happen after, but I just couldn't take it anymore.
So I was jobless, I was no longer sure whether I wanted to continue doing what I used to do and what I studied. But I was so unhappy, and I guess this is when it hit me. I was no where, stuck, bewildered. I didn't know what I should do next.
I was crying the whole day, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. I would go for long walks, sometimes with tears running down, I would look stupid and crazy. But I didn't care anymore.
But I want to get better, I want to get over this. I am stronger than what I think I am. I know I can get over this battle.
Everyday, I try. I try to look for myself. I try to figure out what to do next. I try to see beyond the pit of depression.
I am still stuck. I still don't know where to go. I still am looking for a job where I'll be happy. I still don't know if I have direction. I'm still looking forward to a future where I could actually be happy.
I'm still nowhere near getting over this, but I know I will.
lonelydinosaur lonelydinosaur
26-30, F
Jan 14, 2013