PainSecond half of 2011/first half of 2012, I was happiest than I had been for years - except for a glitch around Christmas. I was finally overcoming my depression after 3 years in the dark. I thought I would take that new-found happiness home to Belgium with me. I did not.
Now I am back to picturing my own suicide, crying during the day for the silliest things, insomnia, and talking to headmates (a sure sign of aching loneliness). I drink more often than I did in the UK, because when I'm a bit drunk, at least I feel happy.
I am listening to Florence Welch's Never Let Me Go, a song about drowning and suicide.
"I am not giving up, I'm just... giving in"
I can relate.
I have been picturing my own suicide in my mind again, even though I would never do it because it would break the hearts of my loved ones, and I don't want to do that.
Besides, I realise one thing.
I don't want to die.
I just want out of this. I want the pain to stop. I want to escape this trap that chokes me.
I look at my life. I tried to look at the positive, laugh about things (like my blog about working at the supermarket), and talk myself into feeling happy. It's not working. I am not happy and no amount of dressing it up will change that. I don't like church here and I miss my church back in the UK. I miss my friends - I only really have one friend in the area. And my job... oh dear Lord, my job.
Last year, a lady from my church in the UK started mentoring me to help me discern my gifts and abilities. We worked out that I am best at things involving helping people, especially children, teaching, and languages. Which of those God-given gifts am I using in my current job as a supermarket employee? That's right, none. How is that an improvement from my previous job (special needs teaching assistant)?
I let my parents talk me into taking this job. It all seemed to make such good sense, saving up, all that. But I am miserable here. I need to get the hell out of here, but I feel tied down because they tell me being here is more sensible...
I am a coward...