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Pain

Second half of 2011/first half of 2012, I was happiest than I had been for years - except for a glitch around Christmas. I was finally overcoming my depression after 3 years in the dark. I thought I would take that new-found happiness home to Belgium with me. I did not.

Now I am back to picturing my own suicide, crying during the day for the silliest things, insomnia, and talking to headmates (a sure sign of aching loneliness). I drink more often than I did in the UK, because when I'm a bit drunk, at least I feel happy.

I am listening to Florence Welch's Never Let Me Go, a song about drowning and suicide.

"I am not giving up, I'm just... giving in"

I can relate.

I have been picturing my own suicide in my mind again, even though I would never do it because it would break the hearts of my loved ones, and I don't want to do that.

Besides, I realise one thing.

I don't want to die.

I just want out of this. I want the pain to stop. I want to escape this trap that chokes me.

I look at my life. I tried to look at the positive, laugh about things (like my blog about working at the supermarket), and talk myself into feeling happy. It's not working. I am not happy and no amount of dressing it up will change that. I don't like church here and I miss my church back in the UK. I miss my friends - I only really have one friend in the area. And my job... oh dear Lord, my job.

Last year, a lady from my church in the UK started mentoring me to help me discern my gifts and abilities. We worked out that I am best at things involving helping people, especially children, teaching, and languages. Which of those God-given gifts am I using in my current job as a supermarket employee? That's right, none. How is that an improvement from my previous job (special needs teaching assistant)?

I let my parents talk me into taking this job. It all seemed to make such good sense, saving up, all that. But I am miserable here. I need to get the hell out of here, but I feel tied down because they tell me being here is more sensible...

I am a coward...
DancingFox DancingFox 31-35, F 9 Responses Jan 15, 2013

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Friend... u are not a coward. Go with ur heart. I can tell u have a passion in ur heart that not many have. Get out of ur rut. Do ur heart's desire.

I think it's time to try some sort of antidepressant, and stick with it. Most likely what you are feeling is a chemical imbalance, just like having diabetes, you are broken and need some fixing. We ALL get in slumps, and feel sad, and many of us even wonder what dying would be like- but most of us really do not want to die! I think it's good that you realize you might miss out on something GREAT if you cut your life short! I know I would have missed out on my three children, getting married, buying a home, etc. Get some help..and don't be afraid to take it.

One word answer: NO. I have been on antidepressants. They ****** me up big time! They don't treat the cause anyway, just the symptoms.

If your were happy in UK why not go back. Make yourself happy. You sound like a super guy just having some kind of depression because of your current situation. Think about going back, maybe you could stay with some of your friends till you get on your feet. Good luck and my prayers are with you. Everyone needs to be happy.

Thank you. If I could, I'd go back in a heartbeat; but it's a little complicated..
Oh, and lat I checked... I'm a girl, not a guy ;)

You are no coward, Fox. I've only read a little of what you've written (you're quite prolific!), but I can see that you're one who keeps on, even in the dark, even when hope is absent.

It's clear to me: you're trying your best. I admire that, and I wish you the best this evening.

Thank you very much!

U r fighting with yourself. O how the devil loves to see us miserable, powerless, dissatisfied and totally irresponsible for our own lives. Get up and walk.
Don't get me wrong but just stop blaming the world around u. As long as we live we have to fight, no way out. And keep God on your side.

I am not blaming the world, I am blaming myself.

I think I know what you mean by coward. You disappoint yourself. That inner voice that tells you all the right things to do, we can not listen to. The path of courage so bright in the lives those we admire, is hard to find in our own. Those brave enough to leap into the darkness and let what come that may, reach their dreams or die trying. We stand on the edge and get lost in imaging all the possibilities of leaping, but fear keeps us slaves to gravity.

Coppy, you just have a perfect way with words. What you just said, that's exactly how I feel.

I would not think of you as a coward Foxie...
I see you more as a Tortured artist type. Manic and brilliant. Radiant with creative beauty.

You Know that I am correct!

Awww thanks Ferric... not sure it's true but thanks all the same.

Two key things here. "I don't want to die." Good. That is a key piece in a story that was concerning me deeply. Second, "I am a coward." Bullshit. It takes a pretty fair amount of courage to work a job you don't care for or is outside of your expertise. There is nothing to be ashamed of working in a supermarket.....NOT ONE THING....Strive for better, work towards it. I think I posted somewhere on here that life is a series of circles, always returning to the beginning. The key is to make each of those circles just a bit bigger so that you are passing new ground on the way back to the beginning. At some point you will cover the same old ground and at some point you will see something new. Kieth Richards said it best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTXSHpunZ3M

Thanks, Goliath.

Cowards lay on the couch. From what I have seen Kit, you don't spend much time there.

I see myself as a coward because I don't stand up for myself. I just go along with other people's wishes to keep the peace.

Sometimes that takes a lot more courage than shouting out.

Wow, thanks, Pondering. That's a very inspiring story!

@Goliath. I think that was the best piece of advice on this thread. Well put.

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Are you looking for teaching work? It might make sense to have any job rather than none but are there no opportunity's for something you would enjoy more?

Not if I stay here in Belgium. But I have a student debt to repay and my parents say I can't envisage moving back to the UK until that debt is repaid AND I have bit of mney saved up.

Having student debt alone makes me feel like there is a dark cloud hanging over my life. There is no way to get out of that. It's worse than child support.