Post Partum Depression

I've always been depressed, that's nothing new to me. I've been fighting depression steadily for the past 5 years. I'll admit 80% of the time I dont actually fight it. I let the depression take over and leave when it wants too. I'm also bipolar so these depressive stages are usually 3-7 days long. I'm not lucky enough to have long manic stages.
I didn't enjoy pregnancy like other women. I knew I was in over my head. I was 18 and engaged to a drug addict that didn't want to grow up. We lived with his b*tch mom and step dad. I didn't have a job, started showing extremely fast so employers wouldn't hire me. My partner went from job to job, never sticking to one. When I first found out I was pregnant I wanted to have an abortion. I probably would've never followed through but throughtout my pregnancy I thought more and more about adoption. My mom is a lesbian and her partner and her wanted to adopt a baby. I talked to my partner and he wouldn't agree. I continued talking to him until I just gave up. I had my son via csection because he was breech. The depression set in quick! I think it was partially from some extreme verbal abuse about my mothering skills the day we left the hospital. I had no confidence in my ability to care for my son. I didn't breastfeed. Every time I tried I would start crying and think "he deserves so much more" and I didn't want him to sense my sadness. My partner took care of my son the entire first 2 weeks of his life. My partner got clean and got a job so it was all on m. He critisized me for everything I did. Afterall he knew how to do it all and I was still learning.
I'm 8 months postpartum, haven't been alone with my son for more than 30 minutes in 2 months and it was my choice. I can't be alone with him. I'm not scared I'll hurt him but my anxiety goes extremely crazy and I get angry, frustrated, upset, sad, everything except happy when im alone with him. He is such a good baby. He rarely cried and now he just babbles. He's so adorable and I love him with all my heart. I've been doing better the past few days and actually enjoy my time with him but I can't bring myself to be alone with him. My partner asked if I wanted to "watch"our son tomorrow, I said I wanted too, then I backed out. I have a doctor appointment in a couple of weeks so I'm hoping some anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medicines will hel.

Sorry this is so long, I kind of used this space as a journal!
ChasingPerfection19 ChasingPerfection19
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 17, 2013

Aww, I'm sorry pretty lady. You are being very responsible for limiting yourself because of your insecurity with being alone with him. Keep working at it. Your baby knows you love him no matter the measures you have to take. After all you're his Momma. Hang in there, keep it up. Get the help you need and when it all passes, you'll be the best Mom ever!!!

Thank you for your response and encouragement! I think I'm slowly getting better with him, more maternal at least. :)

YES!!! Just in a matter of a couple paragraphs I could tell you've improved a ton. Keep your head up and smile!! :)

Thank you!