Should I Kill Myself Now, Or Later???

After my mum had seen how many scares i had on my arm from cutting myself with the scissors, she begged me no forced me to tell her what was going on. i gave her my diary as i was too embarrassed to tell her and so she had finally, after 4 months, found out that is was incredibly depressed in my real life.
She took me to the doctors where i was soooo embarrassed, and the doctor said its 'normal' but i think she heard it wrong. i do not think, one bit, that feeling like you want to jump out the window or thinking of a easier way to die is 'normal'! i desperately want to kill myself!!!! the doctor gave me this hormonal drug, she thought it had loads to do with my periods as i had started my period before the depression but she doesnt know that this depression started way before my periods. She said to go to a councillor but i know that it will not work cause all they do is ask you stupid questions and they think that that helps, well it doesnt! but i cant stop thinking about killing my self! Just a moment ago i climbed onto the ledge of my bedroom window thats very high up and than stood up and climbed out but when i got to the point of jumping i just couldnt and now i think i should have because now i suffering from the horrible pain which i have all the time, constantly, but if i had jumped i wouldn't feel anything, i would be dead and right now i think that would be sooo much nicer than now. i wouldn't have to suffer anymore. it would be heaven... and anyway my family and friends would cry until after the funeral which than they would have totally forgotten about me. and thats the way i want it to be... dead
insecurex insecurex
13-15, F
Jan 17, 2013