How it goes

1) I bury myself in work to forget that I have nothing going for me.
2) I realize I have nothing without work 
3) I realize something is wrong with me and ***** to people that do not care

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I try to remedy my loneliness by going to group meets and talking to people in class, but I either end up in a corner terrified , not saying anything. Or I get rejected by someone. Or the conversation ends and there's nothing to be said. That leads to more fear and terror. I throw myself into work, hoping that developing a "skill" will make me more confident. But it doesn't. It makes me more vulnerable. It makes me competitive. Every paper I submit for publishing, every presentation I give is a fight to the death. It's a fight for the only thing that I have: pseudo-intellectualism.

My life is my "academic work." And as such, I get defensive when people critique. Even if it's good natured, honest critique. I get scared, I hear rushing noises and I can't process what's being said. Then I go home mad, thinking that the critics were stupid ********. After a day has passed, I realize that they were right, and that I'm the stupid ******* for thinking they were wrong. I hear my weak retorts to their excellent critique echo overandoverandover again. And I want to forget what's happened. I want to forget that my ego and hatred and desperation has wrecked my sad attempt at intellectual progress. Academic Progress: the last thing that I can half-confidently invest myself into. Ripped to shreds. 

This happens on the internet too. It makes learning impossible. I imprison myself in fear of people listening and taking issue with what I've said, and I don't say anything at all. I'm scared to write. When I get feedback, from people on the internet that I don't ******* know, I freak out. I start shaking and get depressed and want to die. Again, this is my response to reasonable people telling me that I'm wrong (which I probably am.) I start wishing that I'd never said anything, submitted any paper, or tried to critique that movie. I try to sleep off the pain because living becomes hollow, having lost the only thing that I find lively about myself.  

I've invested myself into the idea of being smart. So when I see that I am *not* smart, I completely crumble. I have nothing else to live for, and thus want to die. I try to get away from that. I trying to develop myself "as a person". But the more I try, the more I find that I cannot.  I can show up at meetings for hobby-related topics (free baking classes, for example) but everything becomes a competition. I come into the class with no social skills, so I feel like I have to prove myself in other ways to attract people. Cus who wants to talk to someone that is shy, only responds to questions in "yes or no," looks weird, and scowls when she concentrates? At that point, I stop trying to develop myself as a socially approachable person because I realize that I have nothing to give. I am not a nice person. I leave the meeting sad. I am not an approachable person. Why should I develop what I do not have? Maybe I'm meant to be nothing. Let's not lie-- some people *are* meant to be nothing. 

This post.
Mdear Mdear
18-21, F
3 Responses Jan 18, 2013

I like you. I know.. Not very helpful, but I do.

I feel like a bit of a **** for beating the "Go and join community groups!" dead horse - I don't think I realized the kind of social anxiety you're dealing with. It's a hard cycle to break out of. All you can do is apply yourself to that which you love, seek help where you can, and try new things. And you seem to be doing all of those. It just takes time.

That said, you are impressively smart. Don't let your depression fool you. Every sentence you type on this site reeks of intelligence and I really hope you can someday see yourself as the funny, brilliant person we see on EP.

I just reread this and giggled at "****" and "beating". >.>

That earned an honest-to-god laugh out loud. :D

You must be very intelligent to be an academic and still under 22. What is your field?

Political science.