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Just Me Having A Bad Day

Not being on anti-depressants anymore has taught me to face the pain. I have to get up at three every morning and face another day.

The worst and happiest moment used to be from 6-7 every morning... I got the opportunity to collect my boys and take them to school, until their father decided that he would much rather drop them off and I can collect them in the afternoons. It didn't work out that way and I haven't seen them for 5 days.

On average I might get about an hour sleep a night because my brain has never allowed itself to switch off... It started when I was 6 and has been in "protect mode" ever since then. I used to be the shield between my father and my older sister, protecting her from what I went through became my only reason for living.

Today my sister hates me for leaving an abusive husband. She hates me for having children and "abandoning" them. I know hate is a strong word and that there is a fine line between hate and love but how can anyone love someone like me? All broken and a hundred shades of messed up...

My family is judgmental at the work that I do, apparently farming is below "our standards"... I live for my work, it's the only positive thing that I have in my life, it's value adding not only to every person that buys the produce but it's therapeutic to watch the tiniest seedling grow in a matter of weeks. It's also one of the few occupations where I don't have to be close to anybody else.

I know this story doesn't make sense and I don't expect anyone to comment or even read it. It's just me having a bad day.
deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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Being a Farmer is cool, do you own the Farm? you are lovable please don't be too hard on yourself.

How big is the Farm? I had a small farm once in Nigeria but I had to move.

And how many of you work on them?

255 people with you on the farm, wow, are your produce exported?

You must have lots of customers, how big is your catchment area?

That's impressive.

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Hi, sounds like a rough time....but I'm glad you have work you love...that is so important....just curious why go off meds? do you have ADD or anxiety? because sleep is pretty important...what kinds of crops do you grow? Do you have any animals?

Lol, old fat lazy pet cows...I work in a print shop and at a hotel as a desk clerk...don't feel like you've "given up" and had to go back on meds like you failed...if they help use them! They are not a crutch. They help us cope while we face the pain