Just Me Having A Bad DayNot being on anti-depressants anymore has taught me to face the pain. I have to get up at three every morning and face another day.
The worst and happiest moment used to be from 6-7 every morning... I got the opportunity to collect my boys and take them to school, until their father decided that he would much rather drop them off and I can collect them in the afternoons. It didn't work out that way and I haven't seen them for 5 days.
On average I might get about an hour sleep a night because my brain has never allowed itself to switch off... It started when I was 6 and has been in "protect mode" ever since then. I used to be the shield between my father and my older sister, protecting her from what I went through became my only reason for living.
Today my sister hates me for leaving an abusive husband. She hates me for having children and "abandoning" them. I know hate is a strong word and that there is a fine line between hate and love but how can anyone love someone like me? All broken and a hundred shades of messed up...
My family is judgmental at the work that I do, apparently farming is below "our standards"... I live for my work, it's the only positive thing that I have in my life, it's value adding not only to every person that buys the produce but it's therapeutic to watch the tiniest seedling grow in a matter of weeks. It's also one of the few occupations where I don't have to be close to anybody else.
I know this story doesn't make sense and I don't expect anyone to comment or even read it. It's just me having a bad day.