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Depression

Well what can I say? I’m back on the medication for depression for a second time not something I was thrilled about but hey! It never really goes away it’s always there but sometimes just sometimes it seems to get a little easier and I will think this is it I’ve cracked it I am FREE but it’s not that easy is it?

I go to bed wishing, praying and hoping that I won’t ever wake up again but every morning I am left disappointed!! Someone must really hate me…… All the bad thoughts, feelings and memories seem to be stuck on replay and I can never manage to shake them off, I carry them around with me as the days goes by it gets heavier and I fall further into that big dark hole. It takes over completely to the point where I am no longer in control. It’s funny a lot of people will say I am in control but there lying the illness controls you it does me anyway. Like my eating disorder I say I do it because it is the only thing I am in control of but again that’s a lie, it controls me. If I was in control of it I would be able to stop it from eating me up but I can’t! It keeps me up a lot at night, makes me want to curl up in a corner and just cry even die…….. The thought of getting up and going out is a killer I just want to be alone without having to put a smile on and pretend that I am ok.

They say talking about it helps but that doesn’t help me it makes me more anxious because someone else knows my secret, and people say they will be there but there not there when it matters, in my darkest moments. They say they understand but they never do, they think it is a fleeting feeling like you’ve just got out of bed on the wrong side. They’re wrong. It’s that emptiness, that complete feeling of loneliness, feeling worthless, useless. It drains you of everything good. If only you could look into my eyes and see the story they tell, feel the hurt, pain, and anger I feel. If you could read me like a book, see the pain in my eyes. Would you care? Or simply turn away?

I put on a mask and pretend to the world that everything is fine. Put a smile on my face; laugh in all the right places, say the right words even though the person who used to inhabit the body has long gone leaving behind a stranger. A lifeless, hollow person, whose existence means nothing, I do whatever I have to, to feel something else, to numb the pain, stop the thoughts even if it’s only for a short while.

I am broken I can never be fixed. I feel dead inside I just go through the motions of everyday living so that nobody will know to keep up the pretence. Is anything worth feeling like this for? Depression eats away at you like a disease the tablets help to relieve this a little but it’s good to know that I am not alone you struggle too
LoraJane LoraJane 22-25, F Jan 20, 2013

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