Help!! I'm 19, No Job, No Interests, No Responsibilities. Why Am I So Lazy And Selfish?Many people around me are living with apathy. A lot of my friends, family members, people I barely know. But I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to live like a plant or a dead person. My parents give me food, a place to live in, anything I need to finish my schooling and get a job, but here I am, whining on the internet. I live in a constant fear that anything i actually DO will not be finished because I'll die of some kind of disease in the meantime. I've just started my studies but I don't believe I'm ever going to finish it. Everything seems so far away and I feel hopeless and unable to reach for it. Im still thinking about death everyday as if I'm 13 again. I can't seem to get older mentally even though I physically do.
I don't know why am I so afraid of trying anything. I can feel my life slipping away and it makes me really upset. I don't know if I'm afraid of dying or just afraid of living. I don't know if moving away from my parents would make me try a bit harder or I'll just sleep on the streets and wait for God to come and help.
I really, really, hate myself and the way i get through life. When I was younger, I was a lot better person. I wasn't this afraid of death or even thinking about it, I attended various competitions, I enjoyed hanging out with friends and getting emotionally attached to people. I cared about people and about my family. I was good to them. Now, they're just used to my indifference to anything.I do have a boyfriend but it seems he's even more indifferent than me. I was a virgin until recently so I thought sex was going to solve most of my ''problems'' as soon as I try it. But it didn't. I do enjoy it, though. But I can't have sex all the time. There's much more to life than just sex.
I could watch movies, read books and stuff. But I can't seem to finish anything I start with. I want to be a better person. I want to care. I want to have dreams and ambitions again, I want to be enthusiastic, I want to believe, I want to stop thinking about cancer every time I start doing something. I really want to change, but I failed so many times. I know I have this one life to spend and enjoy, but I totally have no idea how to do it. Is there any way for me to stop being this selfish, lazy, useless, indifferent, boring, pointless, ******* disgusting? I want to enjoy making other people happy again, making them laugh, making them a part of my life again. I really need a piece of advice. Is there anyone here who actually won the battle against apathy?