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I Battle Depression

Help!! I'm 19, No Job, No Interests, No Responsibilities. Why Am I So Lazy And Selfish?

By: An EP User
Written on January 21st, 2013
Many people around me are living with apathy. A lot of my friends, family members, people I barely know. But I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to live like a plant or a dead person. My parents give me food, a place to live in, anything I need to finish my schooling and get a job, but here I am, whining on the internet. I live in a constant fear that anything i actually DO will not be finished because I'll die of some kind of disease in the meantime. I've just started my studies but I don't believe I'm ever going to finish it. Everything seems so far away and I feel hopeless and unable to reach for it. Im still thinking about death everyday as if I'm 13 again. I can't seem to get older mentally even though I physically do.
I don't know why am I so afraid of trying anything. I can feel my life slipping away and it makes me really upset. I don't know if I'm afraid of dying or just afraid of living. I don't know if moving away from my parents would make me try a bit harder or I'll just sleep on the streets and wait for God to come and help.
I really, really, hate myself and the way i get through life. When I was younger, I was a lot better person. I wasn't this afraid of death or even thinking about it, I attended various competitions, I enjoyed hanging out with friends and getting emotionally attached to people. I cared about people and about my family. I was good to them. Now, they're just used to my indifference to anything.I do have a boyfriend but it seems he's even more indifferent than me. I was a virgin until recently so I thought sex was going to solve most of my ''problems'' as soon as I try it. But it didn't. I do enjoy it, though. But I can't have sex all the time. There's much more to life than just sex.
I could watch movies, read books and stuff. But I can't seem to finish anything I start with. I want to be a better person. I want to care. I want to have dreams and ambitions again, I want to be enthusiastic, I want to believe, I want to stop thinking about cancer every time I start doing something. I really want to change, but I failed so many times. I know I have this one life to spend and enjoy, but I totally have no idea how to do it. Is there any way for me to stop being this selfish, lazy, useless, indifferent, boring, pointless, ******* disgusting? I want to enjoy making other people happy again, making them laugh, making them a part of my life again. I really need a piece of advice. Is there anyone here who actually won the battle against apathy?
By: An EP User
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5 responses
  • keeva
    keeva

    It sounds like your both afraid and numb at the same time. I also believe your expecting too much out of yourself at 19 years. Your thinking about the future you want, but too afraid to reach out to pursue it. To me your right on target your thinking about your future and trying to think of how to get to a positive place. Keep on striving. It also helps to talk to a counselor if you haven't done so already.

    Jan 21
    1 like
    • vogeltje
      vogeltje

      Thank you for your reply!
      Well, I don't know if I'm expecting too much. Many people my age (or younger) already have jobs or atleast an idea of what they're going to do with themselves and their lives. I just can't seem to find a goal. When I give up some goal I've been trying to achieve, I'm never sure if that's because I wasn't trying hard enough or it simply was the wrong goal.

      Jan 21
      1 like
    • keeva
      keeva

      Work on a small goal and go from there, see where it leads. I know many people your age and older who don't have a clue to lifes goal.
      Sending a smile filled with encourangement your way

      Jan 22
      1 like
  • elmoomoo
    elmoomoo

    You're not selfish at all so many people like myself feel like this everyday or have felt like this at some point in their lives. Have you been to the doctors about this? Does sound like depression or anxiety or both to me. There's nothing wrong with you doesn't mean your going mental or anything,depression is just an illness what anyone could get or have like any other illness.
    The doctors will be no where as scary as you think as they see people with these problems everyday. Just because you go to the doctors doesn't mean you have to take any kind of medication either there's all different therapies, also not as big or scary as they sound.
    I also find excercise really helps which I know is annoying as you might not have the energy or motivation. Also healthy eating. And I take PureEPA fish oil tablets from the website mind1st.com. bit pricey but help me so much!
    You might feel like you are going to feel like this forver and you can't cope at all but I went to the doctors last year about my anxitey and depression and I have to work hard everyday at it but I finally feel like I have it under control these past few months but you really do have to grit your teeth and fight through it with the little energy you have and try your best at healthy eating and excercise as well.
    Good luck and hope this helps.

    Jan 21
    1 like
    • vogeltje
      vogeltje

      Thanks for the reply!
      Well, I'm not sure if I should consider myself ''ill'', but I should definitely change a lot of things in my life. Anyway, I've been to a psychiatrist several times, and i was somehow dissapointed. The woman kept trying to persuade me that medications are just what I need and didn't seem to show a lot of interest in what I had to say. I don't know if all psychiatrists are like that, but I'm kind of broke these days and I don't believe I'm going to visit anyone like that soon. I may be ill, I don't know, it depends a lot on the definition of ''ill'' but I don't consider myself ill enough to start taking medications and I do believe I can live without them. I had some kind of therapy with my school psychologist for a while and it was kinda cool, but didn't really help.
      I'm really glad to hear that you have your anxiety and depression under control. It really gives me hope, cause sometimes I don't even believe it's possible. Well done and keep winning!

      Jan 21
      1 like