Depression, Rape, Loneliness, Alcohol.Well... Where do I start? I am 19 years old, straight, short but cute, smart... Smarter than anyone around me. I pretty much hate everything and everyone but due to my family business and culture I strangely enough developed a warm personality, I know how to behave and talk to people but it is only a mask, an act..
I'm a little drunk (not much, it gives me courage), please disregard any grammar mistakes.
This is the first time I tell someone about this.
I was raped when I was 12 years old by a highschool student before he went to college, he lured me to arrive earlier so that we could play soccer in school before the classes, I went to the bathroom and he (who was much stronger) raped me and then told me that he was going to tell everyone in school that I was gay if I told anybody what happened, I was dumb and ashamed so I didn't but I never went to the bathroom in school again.
A year later, at college, he killed himself because of bullying, I was actually glad but felt very scarred, at that age I just didn't knew what to think.
One more year goes by and we move again, at this time I was always in my room playing videogames to keep my mind occupied. After one more year I really wanted to meet a girl however I couldn't because I had so much acne that I almost didn't had a face with acne, I had acne with face, people used to call me “chokito” which is a chocolate that has lots of little dots in it, it took me two heavy treatments and a lot of time to get rid of it. During this period my view of the world and my depression began to form which as I grew older it grew stronger and no one around me seemed to notice... Actually they did but didn't care, laughing was easier I suppose. Somehow I became distant of actual society, I just can't take all the bullshit that comes with it and it feels that no one that I meet is interesting.
I started drinking a year ago (buying alcohol here is easier, my father used to send me to buy his beer) to relieve the depression, it didn't work but I kept drinking anyway. Today I feel that I am addicted, I can't go through a day without it and I am almost all the time under the affect of it, recently I have been smoking some pot too.
Depression these days pretty much keep me from doing anything, I just lay in bed thinking what I could have done differently in my life, I was smart, I had a bright future....... Where did it go?
Today I have no friends, I have never been with a girl, I just feel like ****... Pathetic....
I can't sleep and my hair is falling like crazy.
I wrote this probably because I'm really lonely and need to talk to someone.
Jaskier 18-21, M 0 Jan 22, 2013