How Many More Stories Will I Write?...

So, yeah, here I am again. When I have noone to talk to, this is the place I go to.
Exams period and I'm depressed, again. Holidays was not great. I had a fight with my mum, who managed again to blame it all to my sister. All the way to the airport, I was fighting with my dad. So, yes, not that good of a holiday.
My sister and me are close. Despite the distance, we have a close relationship and friendship. She's been through a lot, then I started going through a lot, so we understand and support each other. She, however, tells me occasionally that I'm not there for her as much as she is, or that I go to her only when I need her help or support. And she's been great to me but I don't think that's true.
Anyway, she started feeling down herself after the holidays. We talked on the phone every day, as usual. One time she told me that if she doesn't call I dont' call her on my own. So I called her one evening, she didn't answer. Then, past midnight, she textes me "I have my phone silent. I'm not here for anyone. Deal with your sh..t on your own the same way I do all these years. I'm sick and tired of being your crutch." That really upseted me. [The following might be triggering]. So, then I had the urge to hurt myself. And I did. I'm not really a cutter, not in a regular basis, and I don't have the "courage" to hurt myself as much as I would like, to feel the pain in the level that I want. So I did cut myself, but then I thought of another way. I took a lighter, placed it under my arm and lighted it. Once. Pain. Twice. More pain. Three times. Actually, burned off my skin.
It's been three days since then. I texted her today "I hope you're better". The burns sill there. Simple reminders, don't cause any pain no more. But I don't want to do it again, I'm concerned because the signs will be there and in a while the weather will get better and they will show.
Anyway. So, I don't talk to noone no more. Since the 2nd of Jan that I left my parents' house, my father called me just yesterday, his voice so typicall. God. My mum calls more. I should call her too. At least SHE tries. My father told me (and that's why we picked a fight) that I didn't go talk to him, that I was always out and stuff like that. And he was right. So I told him "Ok, say you're right. Why didn't You come talk to me?" His answer? "I'm not gonna beg anyone." "Neither am I." The end.
Conclusion: I'm not well. At all. Yesterday and today, I took three exams. I had a whole week to study, ... I studied a couple of hours, top. For all three courses. I have a really hard project to give in by the 30th, haven't even started it. If I don't do it, I lose a whole year.! Sh..t. Jesus... What jesus... I don't believe. But anyway.
aloneforlong aloneforlong
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 22, 2013

I have been suffering with depression for the last five years. It took me quite some time to realise what was going on because I have always been a very strong minded and determined individual. I really loved my life before. It wasn’t perfect, but nothing ever is. I travelled a lot, I have a job that I’ve been passionate about since I was a young boy and have amazing friends that I’ve known since my early teens.

Then in 2008 things started to go very wrong. Not because of anything I did but because I found myself in a situation where I had to make some very hard choices and sacrifice a lot.

It’s only been in the last year or so that I’ve finally understood, although I always suspected, that what I feel is depression. I have no real advice to offer but if you ever want to talk, please feel free to message me.