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I Battle Depression

Battle... Very Apt Desc<x>ription

By: dixieg
Written on January 23rd, 2013
Every day is a new battle. I wake up full of horror, a sinking feeling in my stomach and panic swimming around my head. It takes all the effort I can muster to get myself out of bed and dressed for work.

It's like a daydream, life that is. Like I'm disconnected from the real world. As if I'm watching myself in a movie - the most unenthralling movie anyone is ever likely to imagine.

Nothing gives me pleasure, not even things that I've enjoyed in the past. I can't allow myself to enjoy anything, I feel guilty when I do because I've done things I shouldn't have done and hurt people around me.

Of course it's down to me to change, but it feels like such an enormous mountain I have to climb, I can't even see the path to begin the ascent, never mind the peak.

Anti-depressants have given me some equilibrium, CBT and counselling have given me a little insight, yet I feel more adrift from other people than ever.

I want a safety bubble to disappear inside until this is all over.
By: dixieg
Age: 31-35 , Male
115 people have read this story

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8 responses
  • AmazinglyAmazing
    AmazinglyAmazing

    I can rlate a lot to your story. I mean I am housebound due to anxiety but just like you, I find things less interesting. It's hard for me to get excited. I don't know if the same exact way you feel but I feel like I related to parts of your story. I hope that the CBT and anti depressents are working! =)

    Jan 23
    1 like
    • dixieg
      dixieg

      Thank you. I'm not quite housebound, but I feel like that would be a really good idea. Social interaction scares me witless. I hope that you are able to make progress in getting better, thank you for taking the time to reply though :)

      Jan 24
      1 like
    • AmazinglyAmazing
      AmazinglyAmazing

      Your welcome! And yeah I know what you mean, I too hope you are going to make progress in not letting it scare you witless. I know with time it'll get easier =) but thank you for commenting and replying as well. I appreciate it. I can relate a lot so if you ever want to talk I'm a message away.

      Jan 24
      1 like
  • courtneyisthebest
    courtneyisthebest

    we lost a little baby boy, joshy and we were lost now

    Jan 23
    1 like
    • dixieg
      dixieg

      That is so sad, I am so sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you...

      Jan 23
      1 like
  • kelly1981
    kelly1981

    I recognize parts of your story. Before I came here to EP, I felt just like you, didn't feel like there was a reason to get up from the bed, just wanted to hide from everyone. But coming here, I realized I'm not alone, I realized that I, and I alone, can make a change for the better. I know in the beginning it's hard, but once you found the courage to start climbing that mountain...It will get easier, you'll get there, where you want to be. I still have some issues myself too, to get through, but I'm getting there. Step by step, even a small step taken is a step forward to a happier life. Try not to think about the past, what you do right now and do in the future is what matters. Hope you find the courage, best of luck!

    Jan 23
    1 like
    • dixieg
      dixieg

      Thank you for taking the time to respond, and in such an encouraging fashion. It is reassuring to know that I'm not on my own and that other people have been able to make progress towards being happier. It sounds like you're doing really well, thank you for giving me a glimmer of hope.

      Jan 23
      1 like
    • kelly1981
      kelly1981

      Well, I'm getting there, still have some bad days, but lot less than before! Glad I could help :-)

      Jan 23
      1 like