Battle... Very Apt Description

Every day is a new battle. I wake up full of horror, a sinking feeling in my stomach and panic swimming around my head. It takes all the effort I can muster to get myself out of bed and dressed for work.

It's like a daydream, life that is. Like I'm disconnected from the real world. As if I'm watching myself in a movie - the most unenthralling movie anyone is ever likely to imagine.

Nothing gives me pleasure, not even things that I've enjoyed in the past. I can't allow myself to enjoy anything, I feel guilty when I do because I've done things I shouldn't have done and hurt people around me.

Of course it's down to me to change, but it feels like such an enormous mountain I have to climb, I can't even see the path to begin the ascent, never mind the peak.

Anti-depressants have given me some equilibrium, CBT and counselling have given me a little insight, yet I feel more adrift from other people than ever.

I want a safety bubble to disappear inside until this is all over.
dixieg dixieg
31-35, M
2 Responses Jan 23, 2013

we lost a little baby boy, joshy and we were lost now

That is so sad, I am so sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you...

I recognize parts of your story. Before I came here to EP, I felt just like you, didn't feel like there was a reason to get up from the bed, just wanted to hide from everyone. But coming here, I realized I'm not alone, I realized that I, and I alone, can make a change for the better. I know in the beginning it's hard, but once you found the courage to start climbing that mountain...It will get easier, you'll get there, where you want to be. I still have some issues myself too, to get through, but I'm getting there. Step by step, even a small step taken is a step forward to a happier life. Try not to think about the past, what you do right now and do in the future is what matters. Hope you find the courage, best of luck!

Thank you for taking the time to respond, and in such an encouraging fashion. It is reassuring to know that I'm not on my own and that other people have been able to make progress towards being happier. It sounds like you're doing really well, thank you for giving me a glimmer of hope.

Well, I'm getting there, still have some bad days, but lot less than before! Glad I could help :-)