My Awful Life Story

Hi im a guy from the Uk just 40.I live with my Mother and her Partner.I have so much stuff in my head it feels its exploding.I didnt have the greatest upbringing my Father left my Mom when I was 8.My mom brought us up we were poor (me and my younger brother).Kids at school had all these clothes gadgets and we couldnt afford them. At school i was a loner and lacked confidence and I have not really changed. Girls were never interested in me.
I used to go out between the ages of 20-27 with my friends we would go out to bars pubs clubs
looking for girls but I was too shy to talk to Women and they went for guys who were better looking than me.
I worked In a male dominated environment so in my job i hardly ever met women.
in 1998 I was 28 (still a virgin) and George Michael came out as being Gay.This is where my mind started going mad.I thought well maybe I am Gay too? I was still a Virgin No women.
1999 im 29 most of my friends have settled down I am left on the shelf I barely ever go out and my lame job in a bookmakers means I hardly ever meet Women.Anyway Steven Gately comes
out as being Gay.I thought could i be too(im a loser loner pathetic virgin at 29 years old.)
2000 its my 30th year even my Mom and Dad are asking me questions about sex and partners
I am 30 have no friends barely ever go out No sex or Girlfriend.Dale Winton comes out as being gay in 2000. I thought could I be ? I have never had A Girlfriend Im still a Virgin.
I have All this stuff on my mind carrying it around with me even to this day.
Ok 2001 I am 31 I am still working in my crappy job in the same place but I get a bit of LUCK
they Send me a Nice mixed race Girl called Jessica to work with.We get on well and we start seeing each other.She was about 21 I told her I had never been with a Woman before.
Anyway I couldnt perform properly she was the first Girlfriend I had.Plus some people were racist too her and that and my inexperience in bed led to us breaking up.She was seeing somebody else she said.I had all this Gay stuff in my head as well in 2001 with Big Brother Brian Elton John Reggie Kray Michael Barrymore all saying they are Gay.could I be?
2002 I am 32 back in my crap place of work(still a Virgin through Nerves)barely ever go out.
All my friends got their own lives And 3 more Gays come out In the papers, Will Young, Big Brother, and John Fashanu so could I be Gay?My head cant take all this Im still a Virgin too
Anyway xmas 2002 I have a seizure upstairs in my bedroom-i go unconcious I am rushed to
Hospital ,anyway a week later I have another seizure upstairs in my room watching TV ,I am rolling around kicking arms legs gasping for breath. They said at 32 Epilepsy had came out
on Me. I wondered if it was all the crap i had stored up in my mind and it just exploded.
2003 I am 33 taking Medication for Epilepsy which isnt working, I have about 1 fit a week.
Stuck in the same job no friends No Girlfriend still a Virgin 3 more Gays come out that year
could I be? I dont know my Identity my Head is screwed up have i done it to myself with this Gay obsession ? Am i Epileptic?
2004 I Am 34 years Old My Younger Brother(26)Becomes a Father.At least my Mom has 1 Son she can be proud of.I dont know who I am what I am My heads all over the place.
Yes you guessed it i barely ever go out ,just throw myself into my dead end job,have no friends No Girl still a virgin. And that year 2 Gays come out in the tabloids and I wonder If i am?Plus I have Seizures to deal with and my Mother now thinks im a loner.
OK thats enough for now I really appreciate you guys reading this I know it was long and boring but love to all of you xxxx and please i would like some comments on it and watch out for part 2! Gerry UK
defoekeane defoekeane
36-40, M
1 Response Jan 23, 2013

Hi Defoe,
I read your story. Thank you for sharing. Wish I had answers. If I did, I probably wouldn't be perusing through the depression section, right?

If it makes you feel any better, your story has sort of made me feel a little better. Isn't that messed up? Life sucks.

You're definitely in a tough spot...40...virgin...living with your mom and her partner.

I'm rooting for you though.

It is my hope that you will one day find love and make a very cool, low-budget, independent film about it. Maybe you could start now with a video documentary of your life, as it is now...pretty ******, and somehow emerge victorious with a happy, Sundance film-festival ending.

You could inspire everyone in the depression section, at least. That's a movie I'd like to watch.

Regards,
Nollan