I Battle Depression

Everyone Needs To Read This

By: genetica

Written on January 24th, 2013

Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life. It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.

Depression is not a synonym for being sad or having a bad day/bad week.

By: genetica

Age: 26-30 , Female

1,456 people have read this story

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115 responses

wonderAlot

I am very thankful for the VA health care system. After getting out of the military I actually had someone to talk to and let me know "everything will be all right, we are here for YOU". Instead of keeping it bottled up inside me and sucking it up. Your story sheds a light on people who do not understand what it is like to have this feeling installed you each and every day.

May 13
1 like
srwn13

This resonates with me so completely it is eery. I thank you for sharing...it helps to know that there are people who DO understand what it feels like.

Feb 19
2 likes
Ewizo

I think my experience complements your own, so this is a good place to post.
I thought I was depressed, so I went to the medical specialist with four pages of examples. He sped through the list, and then said "anxiety, this is all anxiety". To the non-professional person these two conditions can get mistaken for one another.
The best cure for anxiety is apparently knowing that you have it. I've changed my life around and have learned to recognize symptoms. The only medication was one to use in anticipation of highly stressful situations.
So, if you think you're depressed, talk to someone professionally trained to review your symptoms. I think Genetica knows well what her condition is. But for people here to find answers, check with a doctor also.

Feb 19
2 likes
AbysmalSoul

My depression comes and goes, but it seems to usually be here. Actually, I think it's always here, just sometimes it lessens a little bit. Lucky me, I got to sleep normally for two entire weeks.

Feb 18
1 like
alanuk

mine comes and goes i wish it would go totaly the only time i was ever 100% was when i was on prozac (wish i had some now) life was fantastic it was the only time in my life that i had confidence

Feb 8
1 like
Teohem

Mine comes and goes

Feb 8
1 like
indelirium

Thank you for putting the words to something thst i have trouble explaining to anyone even myself. Im really struggling with depression i dont even want to believe it. Your words feel me with hope tat im not pathetic....

Feb 7
2 likes
icDavey

OK.....I went and got a link to the Beck Depression Inventory.....This is a legitimate professional diagnostic tool. Take its results seriously! If you cannot click on the link, cut and paste it into your browser.

http://www.docstoc.com/docs/document-preview.aspx?doc_id=25325198

Feb 4
2 likes
Why1978

I feel guilty because my depression must be so hard on my wife, that makes me more depressed, I go through bouts of rage and listlessness, to the point where I can't even be bothered to string a few coherent sentences together. Where just to go out in public is humiliation because I slouch, drag my feet around and look miserable, I feel like everyone is staring at me and knows what a miserable wreck that I am then that makes me feel worse, forget about getting any work done when in that condition. These are just a few of the many many symptoms of hell, purgatory, clinical depression. Thanks for the excellent description.

Feb 4
2 likes
projectgemini

I've been depressed for a long time and am to embarrassed to seek for a professional help. Everyday I think about how nice it would be if I just die and don't have to feel anything again. I fantasize about death more than a dozen times a day... I don't know why I feel depressed... It's like an accumulation of things and memories that I can't explain. Like a dark cloud. And that evil and dark suicidal thoughts lurk inside my head all the time and tells me to just end this suffering... Last night that thought visited my head again and it was stronger than before. I was afraid to leave my bed because I might look for something to be used to end my life. While battling that thought, I realized that I want to live. My desire to live is stronger than my desire to die. I will see a doctor on Monday and look for help. I'm tired of living like this, but I know that deep inside I don't want to die.

Feb 2
1 like
- colocowgirl
  Good for you, maybe the doctor can get you some meds that will help out
  
  Feb 2
  1 like
- ksparrow
  Don't let the enemy get you. Negative energy can abound, especially during the cold winter season. Seek the gift. Close your eyes and just try to melt within yourself. You are worthy. You have a soul that never dies. It's in this vehicle called a body for the purpose of discovery and experience. Feel the growth within. I'm actually feeling it while writing this. Discover the you inside. Write if you need/want. I'm here.
  
  Feb 2
  2 likes
- projectgemini
  Thank you. Depression is indeed a harsh enemy. I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends because as far as they know, I'm the toughest person they have ever known in their lives. I didn't mean to trick them, but somehow they have that image about me. Right now I am trying hard to be positive, I'm clinging to my hope to see the doctor on Monday.
  
  Feb 2
  1 like
- ksparrow
  Keep me posted. I care.
  
  Feb 2
  1 like
- alissababi
  Read my posting I'm going to post.
  
  Feb 8
  1 like
- pinklenses
  Good for you! What a great observation. We often think we want to die but don't we just want thwarting suffering to end? So glad you understood your intense suffering as the sign that you want to live! Good luck to you!
  
  Mar 31
  1 like
- pinklenses
  The*
  
  Mar 31
  1 like
4 More Replies
icDavey

I keep looking at your story and being amazed at how exactly you hit this nail on the head. Everyone who doubts the legitimacy of depression needs to read it, And....I would also say it should be read by people who think they might be depressed. Some people need to be told they are NOT depressed. The difference between "a case of the blues" and the crushing, immobilizing mental pain that is genuine Clinical Depression needs to be delineated, Mental health professionals know how to do this. General/Family practitioners may not. Its why mental health professionals are necessary.

Jan 31
3 likes
Catslove

Thanks to everyone who posted support. I am going to see my Dr. tomorrow because my meds have stopped working. I cry most of the time and doing anything requires great effort. I hope he can help me. I'm afraid that there is nothing that will help. I take Wellbutrin and Paxil now. They worked for years. Life is not worth living if this continues. I'm so glad that some of you understand.

Jan 31
2 likes
- colocowgirl
  Good for you, I hope that your doctor can help.
  
  Jan 31
  1 like
- icDavey
  You used the "red flag phrase". Please be sure to tell your Dr you said it, Life is only worth living if you think so and if you don't, we have something to worry about.
  
  Jan 31
  1 like
- Catslove
  I told my doctor everything and he offered to put me in the hospital. I don't want to go there. I think i can hang on at home until I improve. He added Abilify to my meds and changed lorazepam to clonazepam. The weekend was better but I felt worse when my husband went to work on Monday. I still cry a lot. I'd like for that to ease up.
  Thanks for the support! It really helps. You all are a great group.
  
  Feb 5
  1 like
- icDavey
  I understand you don't want to go to the hospital. It feels like a defeat. It feels like putting yourself in a category you don't want to be in. But try to think of it as a "strategic withdrawal". You need to take yourself off the front lines of the battle and get some reinforcements. You need not to be alone! Every moment can be a life-and-death struggle and it only takes one moment of weakness to lose everything. No one needs to know. Call the doctor and go to the hospital....or go to the ER yourself. Good luck.
  
  Feb 5
  1 like
- Catslove
  Davey, thanks so much for your advice and amazing insight. Everything you said about the hospital is true. I'm afraid that once I go in, they will never let me out. Just my history of depression could justify that. I'm also afraid of the treatments they'll decide I "need". My mother was hospitalized for depression and they forced her to have shock treatments. I could go in one day and have a lobotomy the next. It's terrifying. I have control over some things now. Once they lock me up, I won't control anything. What they might do could be worse than dying.
  
  Feb 6
  1 like
- icDavey
  Cat, thank you for your generous acceptance of my version of the truth! Let me lay some more on you. I know some things about depression treatment, not only from my own experience but because I pay attention to the issue when it comes up in the media. First of all, making a decision based on fear is always unwise. Get the facts. I know that is hard to do when you are living under a 10-ton weight so here are the facts I know. If you sign yourself in, you can sign yourself out. they may pressure you but they can't stop you. Ditto for any treatments. You must sign to approve any treatments. Its the law. Look at the paperwork when/if you sign in to see what you are agreeing to. If they lock you in, and they might not if the facility is big enough to have a separate locked ward, it will be with your permission. Notice that your doctor was powerless in the face of your refusal to be hospitalized. ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) is a treatment of last resort....after EVERYTHING else has failed. And, by the way, it can work for people and they do it will a smaller voltage than they used to. They sedate you and it is really no different from any other surgical procedure. Lobotomies have been completely discredited for mental health treatment. And so far as "never let you out" believe me, the insurance company will never let that happen. They'd have to pay for it. Finally, if your mother had depression to the point it required hospitalization, that is the best argument I can think of to push you toward the decision. Depression has a strong genetic component. You obviously have a family history that needs to be dealt with. I can't tell you what to do. All I can do is point out when you are bullshitting yourself.
  
  Feb 6
  1 like
3 More Replies
Aminaj

I cry everytime I read this because this is exactly how I feel! "Normal people" have no idea how depression feels. Im bipolar and cried all day at work yesterday. Sometimes I feel so miserable, I'm sure being dead would be better. Feeling like crap for no reason and not having a reason why....I feel all of your pain.

Jan 29
4 likes
- icDavey
  There IS a reason. You are sick. Your brain is sick. The brain is just another organ like the pancreas and it is having trouble making its neurotransmitters like diabetics aren't making insulin. And, just like diabetes, depression can kill you. Please be careful. and think really hard about admitting yourself to the hospital. You should not be alone if you are having thoughts about being better off dead.
  
  Feb 5
  1 like
icDavey

For those who are interested to know, the definition of clinical depression is established by a series of 7-10 questions (I'll have to see if I can find them) that allows the person to demonstrate a sad or melencholy mood that lasts for an extended period (2 wks?) and substantially interferes with daily functioning. If you felt depressed over losing a relationship and 5 days later you snap out of it and go about your life, you are not Clinically Depressed. If a person is subject to Clinical Depression, even when on medications, they are not cured....they go into remission. The Noonday Demon (good book, by the way) can pay a return visit anytime. If you think you are depressed make a visit to your Community Mental Health Center where you can get treatment on a "sliding fee" basis.....maybe even free!

Jan 28
3 likes
DreamingTaoTiger

Hey what do you know about that.....someone actually "gets" it . You must have a medical degree or something..

Jan 28
1 like
- genetica
  nope.. just been there.
  
  Jan 29
  1 like
- DreamingTaoTiger
  Yeah. I was being sarcastic myself. I am no doctor but you sure can easily tell being down is not the same as being too down to care about being down....
  
  Jan 29
  1 like
Keeponpushin

Im so happy to finally be able to respond on a post!!! This is so true about depression... I have battled with it since being preagnant threw my thyroid off in 90's..Didn't even know what depression was...Literly best way to describe I was like the happy sad masks...was always smiling had bunches of energy worked 40+ and was in school... I was very driven and motivated...Slowly but surely this all went down the drain...this so true about everyday small things... you have to make urself do things in the past were 2nd nature...its been a hard struggle...people who knew the get it done you think ur still on top of the world...basically people think this is the best you there is, then some think ur lazy dont care about anything not even urself dont wanna smile or talk to people...if they only knew what is evolving on the inside...people who dont know depression or thyroid issues think when u comment u were a whole different person and was highly motivated u feel the scratching the haed vibe like ur lying...

Jan 28
3 likes
Keeponpushin

Im so happy to finally be able to respond on a post!!! This is so true about depression... I have battled with it since being preagnant threw my thyroid off in 90's..Didn't even know what depression was...Literly best way to describe I was like the happy sad masks...was always smiling had bunches of energy worked 40+ and was in school... I was very driven and motivated...Slowly but surely this all went down the drain...this so true about everyday small things... you have to make urself do things in the past were 2nd nature...its been a hard struggle...people who knew the get it done you think ur still on top of the world...basically people think this is the best you there is, then some think ur lazy dont care about anything not even urself dont wanna smile or talk to people...if they only knew what is evolving on the inside...people who dont know depression or thyroid issues think when u comment u were a whole different person and was highly motivated u feel the scratching the haed vibe like ur lying...

Jan 28
1 like
lillieintexas

I am utterly flabbergasted by the number of people who are feeling the same was as me? I thought I was the only one.... I need help so badly

Jan 28
3 likes
Aminaj

This is exactly how I feel at this very moment! I'm bipolar and am rite now going through the depression stage this week. My apt looks like hell at this very moment because I have no strength to clean up. I have recently thought about cutting my arms just to see myself bleed. Release some pain possibly. I don't wanna die though. I would cut my outer arms. Not where my veins are. Sometimes my life feels so miserable I just wanna end it. But I don't wanna die. If that makes any sense. You have expressed everything in this letter to correspond with my feelings. Glad I'm not the only one. I hope u have a better day than I will. On my way to work, crying silently on the bus.

Jan 28
2 likes
- genetica
  I'm so sorry, sweetie. Yes, I do know exactly what you mean about wanting to die but not wanting to kill yourself. I've been in that exact head space more frequently than I'd like to remember. Yeah, it's almost like the pain in your mind transfers to your body and everything begins to ache and if you could just make yourself bleed maybe that sting and that rush of endorphins would provide you with the 1-2 punch of the masochistic need for pain and release that seems to come when one's depressed (at least it does for me.) When I'm really low I feel extraordinarily masochistic and really wouldn't mind just being slapped and beaten and if blood was drawn, so be it, I'd be helpless to respond either way. Sometimes my depression takes the opposite route and I become very angry and it's more of an aggressive down feeling where I lash out at people and become a bit of the sadist. When I'm not depressed I don't feel inclined to act out on either of these tendencies whatsoever, it just comes out when I'm feeling really low. Hope you get the help you need, babe.
  
  Jan 29
  1 like
BlueJ88

EXACTLY.

Jan 28
2 likes
abbeyfriend

I am a depreSsion suffer and what you wrote touched my heArt so true so true x

Jan 28
3 likes
PeAcE4aLL09

Unfortunately for us both, I so dearly feel your pain. There's no way for me to personally know what your going through. Yet, I BELIEVE we can somehow figure out a way to LET IT GO.

Jan 27
3 likes
smooches

I know exactly what you mean. You're preaching to the choir!

Jan 27
2 likes
Mariealways

Very well described! I am sorry that you're experiencing this! I wish you all the best, and if there ever is anything I can do to make the pain a little easier to handle, let me know. Anything!

Jan 27
2 likes
Sophiesmiles

Thanks it's good to know there are people who understand how hard it is just to be here, how painful it is just to breath and how desperate it feels to need help x

Jan 27
3 likes
LilaLeah

It's sad to hear so many stories of dispair, I was there for years. On antidepressants and sleeping pills, living with a man who was in so much pain he was suicidal at times...I decided that I was NOT going to live the rest of my life in such a deep dark pit. After a couple years of research I have found many people who have stopped listening to the doctors that keep us on drugs and the media that holds us emotionally hostage.
By the time we are around 30 our over 90% of our lives are ruled by our unconcious thoughts. We all have magnificent brains, we have the power to change our thoughts and become concious beings. I'm not sayting there is no need for medication but there are many people out there who have come out of the pit through diet changes and alternative therapies...Believe in the power of you <3

Jan 27
2 likes
- icDavey
  Please be so very careful with blaming society and declaring the answer is within. This is one of those areas where a person must realize that they are responsible but not to blame for their condition. The only person who can take the necessary actions is also the person who feels most powerless. They need to be encouraged to take whatever action makes sense to them.
  Why did you have to stop listening to the people who were trying to help you? Did they let you down? That is sad. But for many, feeling no internal resources at all, handing oneself over to medical treatment is such a blessed relief! And I'm not sure where you got your '"age 30/90%" statistic but please be careful about tossing around unproven "facts"
  In the end, I agree with you. Each of us needs to have faith in ourselves. In the end, I am all I've got!
  
  Jan 28
  1 like
Sol05

Thank you...

Jan 27
2 likes
azizuddin11

I have no idea if i am depressed sometimes i feel some rage inside and i dont feel relaxed when i eat then i calm down i feel ok

Jan 27
2 likes
DozerDan

The shrinks promote and exacerbate their psychobabble for commercial profit. Its an excuse for failure, an excuse to blame someone or something else. Before shrinks started promoting it, people mostly had work to do, and work is the best "cure" or prevention for depression. Bodies doing work produce endorphins and other natural hormones that make you feel good.
Sorry, hon, I don't buy the psychobabble excuse.

Jan 27
1 like
- genetica
  Please, feel free to remove yourself from this group. You are part of the problem. I should just delete your comment for its utter callousness, but I'm going to leave it up to spark conversation if you or others would like to reply. Just look at all the people who have commented on this post who would beg to differ with you. It would do you some good to take what was said above to heart. This isn't something people can just tune out through small bursts of endorphins released from physical exertion, at least not those who are afflicted with it severely, and it's clear you never have been actually depressed a day in your life. Why are you in this group or are you just a random troll? I'm going to repost a couple lines from above that really ring true, "Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged."
  
  Jan 27
  1 like
- mb7880
  Dear DozerDan:
  1) The last time I checked, I don't think anyone cares if you sink a penny into "buying" an excuse, hon. It sounds like you believe anyone experiencing depression owes you something.
  2) It would be a truly wonderful world if you all you have to do was work out and the "blues" will simply fade away.
  It's a common fact about endorphins and working out, but not all people produce endorphins at the same level, so there are people who may not benefit from exercise as much as you would like to proclaim.
  3) It sounds like you've never really dealt with depression, so please do some research into the fact that people had to deal with it centuries before "shrinks" and "psychobabble" were so prevalent.
  During the Renaissance, it was called "Melancholia" and even the Bible in Psalms and other places describe the author going through Depression.
  
  Jan 28
  1 like
- icDavey
  Dan-
  Maybe it would lead to productive discussion if you answer a question for me.....Why is it important that you believe what you do? I am not gonna castigate you for your statement, though I do disagree with it. But why can you not believe that there is an illness that drains your ability to accomplish any work...That neutralizes the body's endorphins making it impossible to feel good...that puts you in a position where you can't think strait, let alone succeed. Depression is real! And I would ask you to consider that there is no cure for it,,,,only treatment.
  Your point of view does not do anything to illuminate the topic. Why not stop and think how you can do that. Maybe by asking a question?
  
  Jan 28
  1 like
- icDavey
  Genetica-
  I think I saw those words elsewhere....no fair cut-and-pasting....lol. Dan is another one who seems not to be able to see past his own nose or feel past his own fingertips. Pity him.
  
  Jan 28
  1 like
1 More Reply
beastman111

God you are right I hate my life I take tablets for all my health problems just want to feel human again .

Jan 27
2 likes

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I Battle Depression

Everyone Needs To Read This

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