Sorry So Dark

I have depression, it is the worst of all possible nightmares, all I can think about is how much better it would be if I was dead. I know about the guilt and feeling ashamed of myself, and I hate everyone and I feel that this world is so warped and backwards. I get angry at the normal people and feel that they aren't living hard enough or that they have shallow lives not to see the truth of the pain and the suffering of this world. The unfairness and utter apathy. I certainly don't deserve the pain that I have been born with, I am a very moral person and am trying to change the world to make it a better place, as much as I can. I have a loving wife and mother and family and had a normal upbringing so I can't understand how things have taken such an awful turn, but I've been utterly crippled by depression for many years now, probably about 10. I've always had it, it runs in the family. I have chosen a very unconventional lifestyle and absolutely no one except my wife really understands it, let alone supports it. I feel that my depression may have put me in this place, living in a foreign third world country, in a city that I hate, with people that I hate. I gave up my relatives a long time ago. I have no friends here, and don't keep in touch with my old ones. I feel resentful about their happiness and the comfortable lives that they lead. I'm not sure how long I can even hold on to this lifestyle as I fantasize about running away to be a homeless vagrant, just to escape the anger and dejection that I feel right now. To be more alone, to face, if I look far enough into it, ultimatly the darkness, to find a little corner, more like a dim room where no one can see me or judge me or be uncomfortable with my hate, and to be at one with it finally. 
Why1978 Why1978
31-35, M
6 Responses Jan 26, 2013

Hi guys, thanks for your responses, I'm having another bad day, just the way it goes I guess, tired of being poor and out of work, wondering where the next rent cheque is going to come from etc. I wish you guys all the best, don't know what else to say but that you're/we're not alone, at least we have that I guess. Take care.

when you talk like that it makes another depressed person, me, physically ill and sad...please don't do that...please don't

I know exactly how you feel I am having a bad day sick of fighting want to end it .If I had a gun I think I would have done it by now .

don't you do that either.

I wish I had some wisdom to pass on to you, but the fact is I can't think of a thing that would be helpful to you. I also suffer from depression and haven't found a thing for me either.

I suffer with it too (The Black Dog - Chronic Depression) so I can truly understand where you are coming from. I think we are old souls...because we do feel so terrible about the way this world is and it really affects us. I believe old souls are just here on earth tidying up loose ends before we prepare to move on into the spiritual realms once and for all. Old souls are tired and cannot be bothered with those who have no conscious, feel no guilt or remorse and who blame all their problems in life on someone else...never themselves. Old souls are in constant search of knowledge and a place in this world. I'm yet to find mine too.

I used to think that I was an old soul, but to be so naive in this life has made me reconsider, I have always believed that the good prevails over the bad but as I get older, I question that belief more and more, the more things that I see, especially over the last decade or so (gun violence, corrupt bankers, war, natural calamaties, the rich getting richer and the middle and poor getting poorer, a ballooning global population etc). Maybe I was just too dumb and too new of a soul not to see all of the warning signs, but then I think, no I'm in the right fighting the good fight, but I still wish that grace would remove me from this horrible unfullfilling world asap.

I get you..