Sorry So Dark
I have depression
, it is the worst of all possible nightmares, all I can think about is how much better it would be if I was dead. I know about the guilt and feeling ashamed of myself, and I hate everyone and I feel that this world is so warped and backwards. I get angry at the normal people and feel that they aren't living hard enough or that they have shallow lives not to see the truth of the pain and the suffering of this world. The unfairness and utter apathy. I certainly don't deserve the pain that I have been born with, I am a very moral person and am trying to change the world to make it a better place, as much as I can. I have a loving wife and mother and family and had a normal upbringing so I can't understand how things have taken such an awful turn, but I've been utterly crippled by depression for many years now, probably about 10. I've always had it, it runs in the family. I have chosen a very unconventional lifestyle and absolutely no one except my wife really understands it, let alone supports it. I feel that my depression may have put me in this place, living in a foreign third world country, in a city that I hate, with people that I hate. I gave up my relatives a long time ago. I have no friends here, and don't keep in touch with my old ones. I feel resentful about their happiness and the comfortable lives that they lead. I'm not sure how long I can even hold on to this lifestyle as I fantasize about running away to be a homeless vagrant, just to escape the anger and dejection that I feel right now. To be more alone, to face, if I look far enough into it, ultimatly the darkness, to find a little corner, more like a dim room where no one can see me or judge me or be uncomfortable with my hate, and to be at one with it finally.