I Battle Depression
Overall, I'd say that I have a relatively high level of self esteem. I am happy with my body, and have made my peace with a great many of my issues. It used to be much harder for me, as I regularly had suicidal thoughts and felt completely consumed by self-hatred. From the ages of 14 to 16, I remember feeling a crippling sense of loneliness, a feeling that the world would be a much better place if I wasn't in it. I don't recall at any point actually attempting to kill myself, but I regularly created scenarios within my imagination of what would I would do, how my family would feel when they found me, and how all of the people at my school would react to the news. Of course, in that span of time I lost a lot of friends, some of them by choice and others by being abandoned. It was a painful time, even when I managed to make a new group of friends, but I don't regret anything that happened. If I hadn't experienced all of those things I wouldn't be who I am now.
In just this past year, I've managed to establish an inner dialogue that helped me whenever I started thinking negatively. I realized that there was a part of me that enjoyed being depressed, a part of me that deliberately flooded my mind with false thoughts in order to make me sad. My brain was addicted to melancholy, and upon realizing this I knew that half of the things I thought weren't true. That's all depression is - an addiction to negative thoughts. Both my parents had it, so I suppose it's fitting that I should have it. Of course, that's not to say I'm happy all of the time. I still have to wrestle with my mind and regain my confidence. Sometimes I have episodes where I become so depressed I can barely move. But I manage to dig myself out, and I understand that all of those thoughts aren't real. It is frustrating, though. Having to constantly find my way out is so draining, that sometimes I feel it might be easier to not bother. I know it isn't, but sometimes it's just too much to have to constantly fight. I'm going to keep fighting, though, and I'm not going to give up.
In just this past year, I've managed to establish an inner dialogue that helped me whenever I started thinking negatively. I realized that there was a part of me that enjoyed being depressed, a part of me that deliberately flooded my mind with false thoughts in order to make me sad. My brain was addicted to melancholy, and upon realizing this I knew that half of the things I thought weren't true. That's all depression is - an addiction to negative thoughts. Both my parents had it, so I suppose it's fitting that I should have it. Of course, that's not to say I'm happy all of the time. I still have to wrestle with my mind and regain my confidence. Sometimes I have episodes where I become so depressed I can barely move. But I manage to dig myself out, and I understand that all of those thoughts aren't real. It is frustrating, though. Having to constantly find my way out is so draining, that sometimes I feel it might be easier to not bother. I know it isn't, but sometimes it's just too much to have to constantly fight. I'm going to keep fighting, though, and I'm not going to give up.
By:
GiantNakedRei
Age:
16-17
,
Male
