I Am Afraid That I'Ll Never Have Another Opportunity At Love Or Children

I am sad. I try everyday to smile, socialize, be happy and interact with society, but I am a phony, a liar, a cheat, misleading people to think i am ok when in fact i am not. i had not 1, but 2 opportunities to marry men who were ready, able, and willing to take my hand, have more children with me, but my pain, anger, suppression of the mind overflowed and overpowered both relationships. I am a loser. The same loser who laid down with a haitian man, not knowing how much of a regret that would later on be. The only thing, I gained from that experience was our son. But, I don't know how beneficial it is for him. His father has been taking me to court since he was 4 and now he will be 12. It took me 7 years to move past the hurt and now that my eyes are wide open and no longer wide shut, i am 34 years old, not married, only 1 child, and no idea where my future is headed. I was once admired amongst my family, now, i am a silent disappointment to them and to myself. Those men are better off. I should just accept my place on earth. Single.
i would love to adopt, but the process is only forever and finding someone who is willing is like finding a needle in a haystack, yet babies are being killed left and right on the news. Huh. I am tired of being tired. Tired of trying to make something of myself. I call myself a professional helper, humanitarian, social entrepreneur, what i should be calling myself is "stuck".

Help me gain happiness again Lord. I don't deserve this. I want a husband who loves me unconditionally, more children who I could watch be raised with a man and make something of myself. You said you would never leave me or forsake me...and I believe you.
31-35, F
1 Response Jan 28, 2013

I have to ask the obvious question...do you see a therapist?

I have in the past, but I have obtained further guidance in hopes of being free. I hope it works. I believe it will be.