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Depressed And Feeling Lonely

The past 3 years of my life have been very difficult. It all came about when I started to get really sick. Everyday there was something new that was wrong with my health. I had severe migraines, intense abdominal pain, a very weak immune system, unexplainable pain in my back and hip for which I was seeing a chiropractor daily, and too many other things to list. After graduating high school I spent the next year in bed trying to recover from sickness that had no name. I wasn't able to work because I was too weak. I tried working a part time job but I couldn't even make it through 1 day of work.

On top of being sick I had a lot of emotional drama that entered my family. I started dating the most wonderful man I ever met. We wanted to spend every minute together. But there were two things in the way. My man is a musician and traveled all over the US almost every month. Sometimes even 2-3 months at a time. But it was just something I had to adjust to which I did. But then there was something else that happened. My parents started getting very controlling, micromanaging every second we spent together and everything we did together. I was 19 years old so I was definitely old enough to handle a relationship and make smart choices. But they just wouldn't give up their tight grip. Because of the way they didn't trust us, his parents became really frustrated with my parents. They faught with each other about it constantly and I was always running to his parents crying. Eventually my parents refused to speak to them again and now they get offended if I spend any time with them.

The next year my friend who I have known since I was 5 years old was diagnosed with Leukemia. We hadnt spent a lot of time together that year but I consider her like my sister and it broke my heart that something so terrible could happen to someone like her. I spent every day for almost 6 months in the hospital with her. I watched all of her bone marrow biopsies and felt every ***** of every needle they stabbed into her as if it was happening to me. Every fear that she felt and every tear that she cried I felt it too. I think this is when my depression started really kicking in. Even though it was her going through the real trauma of it, I was feeling trauma as well. My mom who is a CNA was always caring for her family. I know it's just her motherly instinct but she started neglecting me and my family. I started to feel really lonely. A lot of people were obsessed with my friends situation that they completely forgot about me. All my friends from church abandoned me and I had no one left so I pulled away. Even she stopped asking for me to come see her. It was like she completely forgot how much I had cared for her.

After things got a little better people went back to their normal lives again and I had no friends. I don't know why but my best friends at church just stopped talking to me. I was being completely ignored and I don't even know what I did. Then the depression got worse. The only person I could talk to was my boyfriend. He is such a wonderful person and he loves me very much, but I just felt awful about telling him how I felt. I wanted him to be happy and not be weighed down by my sadness. But because of it all we started fighting a lot. Mostly we faught about me being so negative all the time. I just couldn't help it. That went on for the rest of the year and didn't die down until earlier this year. Our relationship is okay now but I'm not okay. I can't talk to him anymore about my hurt unless I want to lose him. So here I am, telling you.
Designgirl21 Designgirl21 18-21, F Feb 3, 2013

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