I'll Be Fine.I feel like for as long as I can remember, I've been depressed. I didn't realize in my younger years that this sadness I often felt wasn't just part of growing up. That it wasn't normal. I hate to lay the blame, but I believe it's my parents' fault. Mind you, my mother suffers from clinical depression, so some of this is most likely genetic. But they didn't really help me be happy.
My parents divorced when I was four and I lived with my mom. My dad kept in touch for a while, came by on Christmas and open presents, or carve pumpkins with us on Halloween. But then he just stopped. His calls became less and less frequent, to the point that I didn't talk to him for eight months at one point. I've grown up without a father (I'm 16 at the moment) so I'm not even sure if father and son bonding actually happens and it's just something I was deprived of, or if it's just another thing in the movies that never actually happens. That, I can handle. It's not like I really know what it's like to have a dad, then have him pull the stunt he did. I never had one in my eyes, so I don't know what I'm missing.
My mom is the worst though. She used to get mad at me for stuff. Whenever she got home from work, I would physically tense up in anticipation that she'd be mad at me for something that very well may have been out of my control. She used to always push me about my grades too. I was never good enough. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't impress her. So I stopped trying altogether. And she just got more mad at me dropping grades. That, and along with no real friends and a crippling loneliness, is why I'm depressed. But no, of course it doesn't stop there. It gets worse.
There was this girl I met over the Internet. Her name was Brenda and she lived in South America. We talked for years and became very close friends. She had her issues and I had mine. She grew up in an abusive household. Brenda's father was abusive. And on the night of March 10th, 2012, she came to me and needed to talk about something that had happened. I was in a terrible mood and wasn't in a talking mood. So i ignored her. I found out two days later that she killed herself. In the note she left, she told whoever found her to get a hold of me and tell me this: "Even though we never met in person, I feel like I knew you better than people I walk among everyday. I'm sorry it had to end this way. You were an amazing friend". This shattered me. Broke me into tiny pieces, only recently have I begun to pick those pieces up. I got so bad that I had a three hour staring contest with a bottle of pills. I didn't take them. to this day, I have no idea why. I had no reason not to. A family that was disappointed in me, no friends, no skills. I was nothing to this world. Just another worthless teenager.
I soon found someone I could rely on and she is the reason I'm able to get a handle back on my life. She is the single best thing that has happened to me. We were best friends and have recently started dating. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. i'm looking forward to my future. I'm looking forward to just living. Not caring, not stressing, just living.