What Happened To Me?

I used to be confident. I used to be steady under pressure. Once upon a time. I thrived on pressure. Deadlines? didn't sweat them. Angry bullying managers? Bah! I'd just let them rant and go on with my job. I was confident, I knew what I was doing. I knew my job and for the most part I knew theirs too. Not anymore. Nothing has really changed in my life. I have a job, I'm good at it. I dont handle pressure or stress well anymore though. If I didn't take blood pressure medication it gets extraordinarily high. I have anxiety attacks now. Most are mild where I just have some tightness in my chest. Once in a while though I have one that crushes my chest, makes it hard to breathe. Feels like what I think a heart attack would feel like. My heart is perfectly healthy though. Had it checked. I get sick a lot now. There are times my legs get weak to the point I either sit down or fall down. My vision gets blurry. I've been on depression/anxiety medication for almost 8 years now. Last year I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I've had headaches every single day since mid november. A MRI later, it's possible I might have early stage MS. Went to a neurologist, he says I probably dont. But there is something causing my problems and he's not sure what it is. Spinal tap later this week.

Once upon a time I would look forward to the future. Excited about the possibilities. Now I have times where I go to bed and hope to not wake up because I just can't stand the thought of facing my life anymore. I'm not suicidal. I've never tried to take my own life. I do have times where I wouldn't much care if it ended though. Yes, I know I have depression. Sometimes, like now, it's severe. How do I get through? One simple phrase. A continuing mantra. The only real hope I have. "Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."