Depressed More Today...When Will It Ever Stop....

I battle depression I'm not crazy...I;m not dumb...I don't want to die but...I often feel like I want to take my own life. I'm not dangerous to anyone but myself. I don;t need to be taught a lesson I don;t need to be redculed I don;t need to be taken advantage of because I am vulnerable and reach out to the wrong people. Sometimes I don;t want to be shunned or told I am ranting or upsetting you. If my depression upsets you then..What the hell do you think it is doing for me? You can walk away I live with it everyday. I do need real friends who care about me not fair weather friends who are only there when I please them but vanish when I am too depressed I do need someone to understand that I don;t want to feel this way and..would give my eyesight to feel happy again. I do want someone who cares enough to actually miss me. I also need someone who cares enough to actually miss me. I also need someone to pick me up when I fall, hug me when I cry, and tell me I am worth living..Right now I don't feel I am. I really want people to finally get it sometimes my actions are controlled by my illness and not by logic. I want people to understand that depression can take away ones ablity to ee life clearly. My judgement becomes clouded I will often think the worst or often become too emotional It doesn;t make me less human, just a poor soul who is fighting for my life and trying to make sense of it all. I want to be happy I don;t know how I want to hope and have faith but..after being used and let down so many times I have noone. I want to look forward to tomorrow but..fear it will just be like today..full of despair and self hatred with no real hope for anything more my pain is real It cant be taken away by pain killers or I'd be the first to try them Right now I often feel that people expect me to feel gulity for this curse that has a grip on me that I should apologize for living that I am wrong to be depressed..Antonia