The Crutch.Yesterday, my friend approached me with a very scary idea. I didn't realize the idea scared me until today when I thought heavily about it.
We aren't going to be smoking pot anymore. At first, the idea was easily accepted. Ok, I'm not a drug addict, I can do this no problem... there is a problem, a big one. I suffer from depression and I use pot to self medicate.
For whatever reason, I'm convinced that my depression isn't a real illness and I'm just a pot head. Then I realized that I smoke because I'm anxious, on the verge of a panic attack, manic depressive, scared, feeling apathetic, disoriented and sometimes when I feel lonely. I use marijuana as a crutch for all of these things.
My friend doesn't suffer from depression. She suffers from feeling unaccomplished at age 21. She wanted more for herself and says that pot contributes to her not reaching her goals. So after 6 years of smoking marijuana on a daily basis, she's done. I told her I'd do it with her because I want to be done with it too. But now what will I do for my depression?
I know my depression is real. But I wish it weren't. I wish I was just a stoner. I'm not. I'm a self medicating manic depressive.
I sat on the bus on my way home from class and I saw an infant girl asleep in the arms of her mother. I was awestruck by how beautiful she was. Then, a dark cloud began to form above me. This little girl has no idea how cruel the world is, the atrocities that lay outside of the womb she knew as home for 9 months. I began to cry like I'd just witnessed a death.
This is day one of sobriety. If everyday will be as emotionally charged as today, I fear that I may not be sober for long. I'm going to try and occupy my mind with things I like, and when that dark impenetrable cloud comes looming over head, I pray I'll have the tools to ward it off.
PseudoNymph 22-25, F 3 Responses 1 Feb 6, 2013