The Crutch.

Yesterday, my friend approached me with a very scary idea. I didn't realize the idea scared me until today when I thought heavily about it.

We aren't going to be smoking pot anymore. At first, the idea was easily accepted. Ok, I'm not a drug addict, I can do this no problem... there is a problem, a big one. I suffer from depression and I use pot to self medicate.

For whatever reason, I'm convinced that my depression isn't a real illness and I'm just a pot head. Then I realized that I smoke because I'm anxious, on the verge of a panic attack, manic depressive, scared, feeling apathetic, disoriented and sometimes when I feel lonely. I use marijuana as a crutch for all of these things.

My friend doesn't suffer from depression. She suffers from feeling unaccomplished at age 21. She wanted more for herself and says that pot contributes to her not reaching her goals. So after 6 years of smoking marijuana on a daily basis, she's done. I told her I'd do it with her because I want to be done with it too. But now what will I do for my depression?

I know my depression is real. But I wish it weren't. I wish I was just a stoner. I'm not. I'm a self medicating manic depressive.

I sat on the bus on my way home from class and I saw an infant girl asleep in the arms of her mother. I was awestruck by how beautiful she was. Then, a dark cloud began to form above me. This little girl has no idea how cruel the world is, the atrocities that lay outside of the womb she knew as home for 9 months. I began to cry like I'd just witnessed a death.

This is day one of sobriety. If everyday will be as emotionally charged as today, I fear that I may not be sober for long. I'm going to try and occupy my mind with things I like, and when that dark impenetrable cloud comes looming over head, I pray I'll have the tools to ward it off.
PseudoNymph PseudoNymph
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 6, 2013

That's weird because that exact thing happened to me, I was on the bus on the way to class, and this woman is always on that bus with her twin boys, they were about 6 and so adorable. I cried quite a few times on the bus watching them play, and watching their adorable family unit, and seeing their childlike wonder and joy and imaginations was incredible to me. It's just astounding how different we are than we were when we were kids....and how different the world is :[
But about weed, you, again, sound just like me. I have been smoking weed a LOT since I was 17, I am 21 now, can't smoke like I used to in high school due to lack of money lol, but if I could, I'd smoke like I did back then. All day everyday.
I used to wake up stoked for school, would be depressed and tired from my insomnia, I'd smoke a bowl and bam, I'd be stoked for school again. And I'd have a great time at school, would sometimes smoke at break and/or lunch, then after school with friends, then when I had to go home I'd smoke at home, before and after dinner, and until I'd fall asleep.
I self medicate, but mostly I like to use it because I have a hard time eating enough. I have a small appetite, but mostly I am usually too depressed to take care of myself..I also smoke a lot because of my anxiety. Last spring semester I couldn't go to school with out smoking weed, I had to smoke a bowl as soon as I'd get up because I felt so ******* anxious, like I was gonna explode. I was so scared and stressed and worried and unhappy. I just needed weed.
I went on a tolerance break because I needed it, and also cause of my surgery, I didn't smoke for three weeks, got my appetite back, but still love weed. And I want to continue to smoke but I am scared I will again be reliant on weed to eat. That's really not good. Sometimes it's so bad that I will eat only a small snack all day because I simply can't eat.

And depression truly is real, it\'s a horrible way of\'s no more or less than a way of life, it really does take over completely. I hate that so many people think they understand depression but they don\'t. It\'s not like you can feel depressed on day and then be fine the next. That\'s being sad. Depression is like something that has full control of your brain, your thoughts, heart, lungs, body, everything. And it can do whatever it wants whenever it wants.

I think im pretty much on the same wave as you, I smoke regularly and have done for about 5 years. I feel like its a cure for depression but sometimes I wonder if its actually causing it. However I don't want to stop smoking to find out lol and I enjoy being stoned. I also no how you feel about the kid situation... Weed makes you think on a different level n can open up your mind to alot of things you never used to think about. Life is just a mad thing we have to cope with, I hope everything works out for you

Depression is not in your head, it is a mental illness that is due to brain waves not working properly, and it makes your life hell, its not easy at all.
You should see a doctor who can get you more info and more help as with support around you it is easier to manage.
Yes it does seem from alot of things eg childhood, teen years, stress, etc good luck with it all