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Little White Flag...

How do I say this?
There is an inner sadness that is eating me from the inside out. And while there are brief moments of happiness, they are fleeting moments that last but minutes and feel more like a memory. A memory I am slowing beginning to disassociate from. I attempt to hold on to those memories through words, pictures yet they have become too painful as they are just a memory of what my life has become; continuous pain hidden under my mask. To be honest, I do not recall what true happiness on me looks like. Every day, EVERY SINGLE day is a struggle. I am growing tired, exhausted really....I know the logic of it all yet my heart does not feel it. Instead feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, fear overwhelm my heart...my soul...and my mind is left battling it all alone. I am left wondering if surrender is better than living through this battle. And if I surrender, can I ever be experience happiness again where if be in this lifetime or another
wickedties wickedties 41-45, F 7 Responses Feb 7, 2013

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At the risk of blowing my own horn, can I suggest you go to my profile and read the experience I shared under "I Am Learning to Love Myself"? I wrote it from a place similar to yours -- battling depression -- and I re-read it on occasion to remind myself that the battle is never over, but that I am worth fighting for. I hope it serves you as well as it has me, because you, too, are worth fighting for. <3

Yep. I have the same thing. I know what my trigger is and there's nothing I can do about it. It's a struggle. If you can change what your trigger is then change that. Then your depression will be gone. I'd give up a limb to change my triggers.

Jaylow13...it is funny, I think I have figured out all my triggers and then suddenly one peers it\'s ugly head and I am left to start all over again. So, as a result, I chose now to focus on my coping mechanisms instead; its not easy but it\'s less disappointing. And for me, disappointment is key to my triggers...it seems to work better for me, its not perfect but I have been able to cope without medication and no suicidal thoughts which were freak in my severe depressions. I wish you happiness Darling and if ever, you need to chat, please contact me!!!

Thank you! Good idea on working on coping skills. I have maintained with out medicine for months now. It's no picnic but I'm not in the hospital. Lol.

the hardest thing to do in life is be happy. strange, people ask and look for happiness all the time but always find and look for disappointment. believe it or not it's human nature. its' easier to be sad than happy. happy is like a muscle you have to work out, every day you have to work out. the stronger it gets the more happy you find until one day your happy. start working on your happy muscle

Pacie..I agree. Happiness doesnt always come as easy to some as it does to others; for some it is unchartered territory requiring dedication to find the happiness in everything and despite many obstacles in one\'s life. I struggle with it myself, obviously but I am determined to be happy, no more sadness/pain, tired of it.

What did you do today to work out your happy muscle?

Actuually, I took time for me....I grabbed my journal, chai latte and found a bench at the park. I wrote and wrote some more. I have found it hard for some time now to write but I did today and I am stoked about that!!

Okay, that last sentence is horrible ....lets try again.
I find it difficult, and have for some time now, to find time /motivation to write but I did today...

awesome work out that happy muscle

I thought i replied to this

i enjoy days on a bench. love to people wathc

nice job, writing unblocks and lets an inner peace flow. it also helps the mind be creative and keeps... oh never mind nice job.

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I have needed the help you have described. I would never say " I have been there" It is to cliche. Each persons pain is their own and unique. I have been in the same zip code though. If you push ahead the world looks different up around the bend. I'm not going to lie. It could be a long bend. Fight , fight, fight all the way there. When you get there it will be hard to remember what now was even like. I would wish you luck, but luck won't do it. You will do it. You know you can :)

Jason3638 ..thank you for your kind words. And you are right, luck won\'t do it, you have to want and be determined to overcome. And I am!!!

your a wonderful person and I cannot see you without someone in your life. Ok its not now, but time to reflect and grow stronger within yourself. I feel your sadness I really do, but if you cant love yourself then how is anyone else gonna do it.

I ain't gonna slap your wrists or kick your arse, cos i know how hard it is these days to find that person who will fill that void. What I will say to you is, never ever surrender. Don't you dare give up, a magical person like you would fill a room full of colour and warmth. You made me smile many a day, just wish you was around the corner then I could kick your arse and slap your wrists!! :D

Coolrunner..thank you for the comment.

I have had two bad bouts of depression in my life; both requiring medications and a little visit to the hospital. I DONT ever want to be there again!! I have learnt to recognize my depression and have, after time, been able to work my way through it (without medication).
I recognize my triggers and like you I attempt to avoid them (however one of mine is not my significant other- that's gotta be a little trickier!?!)

I am thinking of taking up boxing ( cant run anymore), maybe that will help me....

Thank you again for the comment! *smiles*

it was my pleasure.. thanks for your sweet reply... i also immerse my self in work... try not be alone... and as you clearly said .. avoid the triggers... i don't believe so much in medications.. it is a battle that you need to fight by yourself ... smile .. that also helps... relax .... spa's help as well :) ... Good luck with everything.... just try to hate being in the state of depression and uselessness ... there is much to do in life... but most importantly it is you... find the energy within ... and snap out of it...burning incense also might help... yoga and any other sports... wishing all the best of life.... Depression what a waist of life.. .don't let it get you.. you are too pretty for it ;)

i suffered from depression for so many years .... snapping out of it is the quickest fix.. you get tired of being so down all the time and you decide no more... also to stop making wrong choices ... drinking when it is not necessary ... sports is a big help .... for me i found the best cure is to be not depressed is avoiding my wife as much as i can :)

I agree with coolrunner. Let the depression run its course but recognize that you're tired of feeling sorry for yourself and kick some ***. Just joking. :) Exercise does help. When I do exercise I notice how beautiful women are at the gym and I stop thinking about my pain.

Yes Denhua, exercise can help...refocusing one\'s thoughts. I find going for a walk/hike can be very good for me that is of course, if I can get past the fear of people seeing me. I sometimes have to battle myself to get going but once I have, it is worth the effort.

I noticed a good cry also helps. It's therapeutic. Especially on a walk. Once I let it go, it's gone. I start breathing easier and life feels a little bit lighter.