I Battle Depression
I suffer from social anxiety .
That has always caused plenty of problems for me.
Especially tolerating mental tortures from the people around me, since school till now, in college...taunts, laughters, faces, scrutinizing eyes, mocking voices...the constant feeling that if I say something it's always going to be stupid, and that I make an idiot of myself wherever I go.
Depression is now to an extent that even dropping a pen in college breaks me down.
Living in a hostel has made life even worse.
Nobody likes me. I have no friends people come, use, go. I had a friend, but she found out my biggest secret (I cut) so I pushed her away because she started interfering a bit too much. She always reminded me from time to time about my problem, the more I try to forget blades in a day, the more she would remind me. She many times forced me to tell her why I cut which is NOT helping, only ANNOYING, she said all the time that if I didn't tell why, she'd tell everyone my secret.
I hate myself. I am not creative, I am not good at anything. If I have fun, people start to label me as "desperate for attention" and if I don't...they now call me "confused...strange".
I hate being called confused. I've been called that all my life since school. I've always been pushed back. I've always been made fun of. Nobody ever understood me. It's the same now.
So today a teacher I didn't know made fun of me because I very nervously asked him if he'd seen this particular teacher (I was finding a teacher who has to diagnose my swollen foot). He was surrounded by my immediate juniors. And the laughed, everyone laughed when he mocked me. I guess it was because of my nervous, fidgety ways while I asked him. All I could do was just stand there and realize that I was being humiliated in front of my juniors. I could just hear the mocking laughters echoing in my head. I just went away slowly.
In the evening my dad visited, he had to submit my college fee. He has back ache problems and heart problems. And he reached my college by bus in a two hour trip with the money. Then I showed him the medicines the hospital's doctor had recommended for my foot. My dad wasn't satisfied, he said I didn't need so many medicines, and decided to take me to the hospital himself, to get an X-ray done.
I was already depressed. Over that, I have only formal relations with my family. So we both didn't talk along the way. If he asked something I'd answer abruptly and softly, almost in a mumble. I felt sorry for him traveling for me, and then walking me to the hospital...I felt very uncomfortable.
Anyway, so we got the X-ray done. They told us to wait for twenty minutes. My dad said that he sould go now, and that he knew I can handle the rest. He has always had so many expectations from me. And all I know is that I've always failed him, the only thing I lived up was to get admission in a medical college, and continue the legacy.
My heart sank. It had already been sinking throughout the day, but the way he said he gotta go just thrust it into the pit of my stomach. I sat down on a chair beside another woman, I was severely depressed and I wanted to cry. Moreover the air of the hospital with wounded patients being wheeled around made my condition worse. People looked at my sullen face like I was facing a loved one's death.
They didn't know I'm the one dying inside slowly.
I was looking in the direction my father had left...and suddenly saw him coming back. He saw my surprised face and smiled. He said he could wait a little longer for the bus. He cheered me up. He cheered me up AGAIN. He's always cheered me up all my life. And now too! Tearing through the depression came a wide smile. I felt less insecure.
When the X-ray was ready, I took it while it was still wet, and dad and I went back to the doctor in the emergency, but we couldn't find him or anyone else. After waiting some time I told dad that I'll show my teacher tomorrow, he was an expert. My dad was relieved.
Outside the emergency we departed. I didn't look back because I felt stupid in case he was still standing watching me go.
However, when I was at a considerably far distance, I halted and looked back with longing eyes. I had wanted him to stay longer. I had wanted to hang out with him and have some soup for the evening. I had wanted to force him to come and have fun with me for some time, have some father-daughter time in one of the big, neat college gardens. But it was too late.
It has always been too late. I have always hesitated to be frank with my parents. I have never told my dad how badly I've wanted to hug him while we part at the bus terminal, or at the end of his seldom, abrupt visits. The first time I hugged my mom since school was when before the first exam in grade twelve. The last hug before school that I remember is when she once came to pick me from my nursery two hours late and everyone had left. I had ran to hug her in tears.
I feel odd. I feel like I'm not a part of anything. I am just...I don't even know what or who. I'm just a very confused person.
That has always caused plenty of problems for me.
Especially tolerating mental tortures from the people around me, since school till now, in college...taunts, laughters, faces, scrutinizing eyes, mocking voices...the constant feeling that if I say something it's always going to be stupid, and that I make an idiot of myself wherever I go.
Depression is now to an extent that even dropping a pen in college breaks me down.
Living in a hostel has made life even worse.
Nobody likes me. I have no friends people come, use, go. I had a friend, but she found out my biggest secret (I cut) so I pushed her away because she started interfering a bit too much. She always reminded me from time to time about my problem, the more I try to forget blades in a day, the more she would remind me. She many times forced me to tell her why I cut which is NOT helping, only ANNOYING, she said all the time that if I didn't tell why, she'd tell everyone my secret.
I hate myself. I am not creative, I am not good at anything. If I have fun, people start to label me as "desperate for attention" and if I don't...they now call me "confused...strange".
I hate being called confused. I've been called that all my life since school. I've always been pushed back. I've always been made fun of. Nobody ever understood me. It's the same now.
So today a teacher I didn't know made fun of me because I very nervously asked him if he'd seen this particular teacher (I was finding a teacher who has to diagnose my swollen foot). He was surrounded by my immediate juniors. And the laughed, everyone laughed when he mocked me. I guess it was because of my nervous, fidgety ways while I asked him. All I could do was just stand there and realize that I was being humiliated in front of my juniors. I could just hear the mocking laughters echoing in my head. I just went away slowly.
In the evening my dad visited, he had to submit my college fee. He has back ache problems and heart problems. And he reached my college by bus in a two hour trip with the money. Then I showed him the medicines the hospital's doctor had recommended for my foot. My dad wasn't satisfied, he said I didn't need so many medicines, and decided to take me to the hospital himself, to get an X-ray done.
I was already depressed. Over that, I have only formal relations with my family. So we both didn't talk along the way. If he asked something I'd answer abruptly and softly, almost in a mumble. I felt sorry for him traveling for me, and then walking me to the hospital...I felt very uncomfortable.
Anyway, so we got the X-ray done. They told us to wait for twenty minutes. My dad said that he sould go now, and that he knew I can handle the rest. He has always had so many expectations from me. And all I know is that I've always failed him, the only thing I lived up was to get admission in a medical college, and continue the legacy.
My heart sank. It had already been sinking throughout the day, but the way he said he gotta go just thrust it into the pit of my stomach. I sat down on a chair beside another woman, I was severely depressed and I wanted to cry. Moreover the air of the hospital with wounded patients being wheeled around made my condition worse. People looked at my sullen face like I was facing a loved one's death.
They didn't know I'm the one dying inside slowly.
I was looking in the direction my father had left...and suddenly saw him coming back. He saw my surprised face and smiled. He said he could wait a little longer for the bus. He cheered me up. He cheered me up AGAIN. He's always cheered me up all my life. And now too! Tearing through the depression came a wide smile. I felt less insecure.
When the X-ray was ready, I took it while it was still wet, and dad and I went back to the doctor in the emergency, but we couldn't find him or anyone else. After waiting some time I told dad that I'll show my teacher tomorrow, he was an expert. My dad was relieved.
Outside the emergency we departed. I didn't look back because I felt stupid in case he was still standing watching me go.
However, when I was at a considerably far distance, I halted and looked back with longing eyes. I had wanted him to stay longer. I had wanted to hang out with him and have some soup for the evening. I had wanted to force him to come and have fun with me for some time, have some father-daughter time in one of the big, neat college gardens. But it was too late.
It has always been too late. I have always hesitated to be frank with my parents. I have never told my dad how badly I've wanted to hug him while we part at the bus terminal, or at the end of his seldom, abrupt visits. The first time I hugged my mom since school was when before the first exam in grade twelve. The last hug before school that I remember is when she once came to pick me from my nursery two hours late and everyone had left. I had ran to hug her in tears.
I feel odd. I feel like I'm not a part of anything. I am just...I don't even know what or who. I'm just a very confused person.
By:
prisonbreaktempt
Age:
18-21
,
Female
