Giving Up

I know my wife is only trying to help, but making me stay in this place that I hate so much is literally killing me. Its been 10 years and I still haven't changed my mind, I hate the pollution the dirtiness, the poverty, the fact that after all of this suffering I still haven't got any work, my health is getting worse because of the bad air, I have no friends, I hate to leave the house, my mind is a prison here, because I can't live the way that I want to live, I have tried for so long nothing more will change. I've gotten to the point to where I am going to live my own life finally and for better or worse live with the future consequences. I just want to die, I can't sleep, I am angry all of the time, I mean really angry and nearly all of the time, I've been on sleeping pills for the past 3 nights in a row and still can't fall asleep until 3 or 4am. I wish I would have left this place years ago, it is the worst decision of my life, to stay here. My wife has tried so hard to make me comfortable and happy and will not give up fighting to make me happy, but she doesn't understand, things just aren't going to change for me here. I end up feeling worse and hating myself even more because I feel like I am letting her down all of the time. I have no hope in this place, imagine living in hell for 10 years of your life, a mix of hell and purgatory, more like purgatory, at least hell has some substance, I have been chasing ghosts for far too long. For me, purgatory is worse than hell, hell I can deal with that. I don't know what will happen when I go back to my native place, she doesn't want to go there doesn't get along with my mother very well and is happy here is happy with her job etc., will she come? Will she be patient enough for me to get my feet on the ground there to be able to get a place for the two of us, our dogs, her dad? She hates being away from me. But I can't stand it anymore. I just want to scream, bash the furniture up the new led tv everything, I hate it, I hate my life, I've been wishing that I was dead for far too long, its time that I took life into my own hands. I am counting the days until I start my adventure and subsequent return to home. I am so pissed off with life. I don't know what to do that will give me some relief right now, I am all wound up. **** my life.
Why1978 Why1978
31-35, M
3 Responses Feb 9, 2013

On another note if i were you, i would've backpacked years ago..
My advice to you is "Go back to america" while you can. After all life is too short to live in pain. Moreover you cannot give happiness to others(family) unless you have it yourself.
So instead of wishing you're dead, get your act together and fly away. It is lot less cowardly and a better option which millions(including myself) prefer over suicide.

I'm an indian and feel very similar to you. I'm oversensitive to stuff which other indians consider "trivial" - pollution, polpulation, filth etc.Have no friends cuz..oh well, i don't like most indians. I cannot recall how many times i was manipulated, cheated by these evil bastards. I boycotted bollywood movies and songs years ago (cuz that is an outcome of their 3rd grade brain capacity). I just completed my graduation (hated those years) and now cannot wait to get out of this crazy country.

Don't worry everything ll b fine....U r not the only one who is battling all this there are people who are facing worser conditions....Jus relax

You're right thanks for the comment.