I know my wife is only trying to help, but making me stay in this place that I hate so much is literally killing me. Its been 10 years and I still haven't changed my mind, I hate the pollution the dirtiness, the poverty, the fact that after all of this suffering I still haven't got any work, my health is getting worse because of the bad air, I have no friends, I hate to leave the house, my mind is a prison here, because I can't live the way that I want to live, I have tried for so long nothing more will change. I've gotten to the point to where I am going to live my own life finally and for better or worse live with the future consequences. I just want to die, I can't sleep, I am angry all of the time, I mean really angry and nearly all of the time, I've been on sleeping pills for the past 3 nights in a row and still can't fall asleep until 3 or 4am. I wish I would have left this place years ago, it is the worst decision of my life, to stay here. My wife has tried so hard to make me comfortable and happy and will not give up fighting to make me happy, but she doesn't understand, things just aren't going to change for me here. I end up feeling worse and hating myself even more because I feel like I am letting her down all of the time. I have no hope in this place, imagine living in hell for 10 years of your life, a mix of hell and purgatory, more like purgatory, at least hell has some substance, I have been chasing ghosts for far too long. For me, purgatory is worse than hell, hell I can deal with that. I don't know what will happen when I go back to my native place, she doesn't want to go there doesn't get along with my mother very well and is happy here is happy with her job etc., will she come? Will she be patient enough for me to get my feet on the ground there to be able to get a place for the two of us, our dogs, her dad? She hates being away from me. But I can't stand it anymore. I just want to scream, bash the furniture up the new led tv everything, I hate it, I hate my life, I've been wishing that I was dead for far too long, its time that I took life into my own hands. I am counting the days until I start my adventure and subsequent return to home. I am so pissed off with life. I don't know what to do that will give me some relief right now, I am all wound up. **** my life.