Depression, My Old Friend!

I am always doubting myself, I don't feel I can even string a sentence together properly. I'm always judging myself, comparing myself to others, I'm just not a good enough person. I feel so bad in side, like I am pure evil but I've hidden it so well that know one can see it. I am so down from being like this and the depression always telling me i'm a bad person and that know one could really love me, what is there to love anyway?! It's got to the point where I don't want to be around friends or family because I hate myself. I hate that i'm always comparing myself to others saying things in my head like 'they're funnier, they're more attractive, they're a nicer person, they're more happy, they're more friendly, they're more interesting.. and so on.. I can't escape it. I've always had low self esteem and social anxiety but now I have self-hatred. I haven't got any confidence to speak to guys because i'm petrified they're are going to find me boring or ugly and laugh at me, I really couldn't cope if I got a negative reaction. I've got a beautiful daughter who I love completely and I just want to be a happy, content person for her but how can I be when I loathe myself. I'm always thinking of negative aspects of myself that I can't concentrate on what other people are saying, most of the time I just pretend I've heard what they've said because i'm not thinking about what they're saying I'm normally thinking about how stupid and pathetic I am. It's ruining my life, I'm always thinking about suicide because I feel its my only way out sometimes. I'm always back and forth to the doctors and I've started counselling recently, but i'm not expecting miracles. All I have left is hope that one day all this will go away and I can start to like myself..

Thanks for reading and would appreciate any advice xxx
dwellerkeller dwellerkeller
22-25, F
Feb 9, 2013