Even On The Best Days It Stinks Cuz I Know What's Coming

There are good days, but even these are covered with the cloud that eventually there's going to be another bad day.  I sort of have to rate the bad days as intolerable to tolerable.  Even when it's intolerable, I still have to function, so my depression isn't so profound that it controls my life.  That is what really stinks.  It's not bad enough to see a doctor, but it's bad enought that I can't enjoy anything.



My story.  I teach.  I bike.  I do all the things that "healthy" people do, but I don't seem to feel the way they do.  Everybody seems to be pretty happy, I just can't seem to figure it out, and that makes me even more depressed. 



Back to my story.  I have had problems with alcohol in the past.  It started in college.  It was the in thing to be drunk 4 or 5 days a week.  This is developed in to a deep seeded feeling that drinking is a way to feel nothing.  I never really got in to harder drugs, which is a good thing.  After college the drinking continued.  Then I did some dumb things which nearly got me fired. 



The saving grace was getting married.  I realized that I was depressed and anxious though therapy.  Now I take Paxil (generic).  I hate the fact that I have to rely on a stupid little pill to funcion.  I've tried not taking it, but it's 10 times worse.  I feel so out of control, and reading the stories you all have posted here, and been the most positive thing to happen to me in a long time. 



I am almost in tears now, and I could probably cry any day, but just don't have the time to truly feel.  This is the biggest crime.   That's about all I can share.
WoodyStephenson WoodyStephenson
36-40, M
8 Responses Dec 29, 2006

If you're still feeling depressed, keep trying different meds. I have been bipolar for over 15 years and have tried around 10 or so different trials of meds.Finally found a cocktail that works for me and have been nearly symptom free for 2 years. Go to therapy, take your meds and tell your Dr. it's still not working right. Be sure you are seeing a psychiatrist instead of a general practitioner. It makes a difference. Best Wishes.

I feel the same on a good day. I know the feeling wont last and I'll end up back where I started. Try keeping a diary and rating your days 1-10 and you can look back and see how much you've improved or not improved. Even though you say its not "bad enough" to see a doctor, there is help out there, noone should feel like this.<br />
<br />
I've been taking Effexor for 3 months now and its slowly making an effect. Have you tried having your medication changed since it doesnt seem to be having the desired effect for you? Hope things get better for you.

It’s the environment for me if things are cluttered in my world I find it hard to cope, I know how trivial that sounds but for me to declutter simplifies things for me, Yes if I’m down I find it hard to make order out of clutter because it all closes in on me, medication helps but you have to find simple things that can make the day go by on an even calm way

I feel for you I am going through kind of the same thing. Don't know what else to say.

As weird as it sounds, I came to realize that some of my depression stems from environment. I hate the city. I hate how life just goes by so fast... too many people and too many buildings... Traffic... rush to work... rush to do errands... always being available via cell phones and PC's... there's just not enough time in the day or night. It may sound trivial, but I suppose it all builds up over time. Add today's economic issues etc and it's a hot mess. Maybe that could be why you're not happy... I know it doesn't make me feel very happy.

Hey I relate to you ALOT.<br />
somedays are good but you know the looming doom of the bad days. I have struggled with addiction for years, as well as depression. I went to treatment to try to deal with my problems. And was ok for a while, but after a while.. I turned back to drugs for "self medication" I went to a doctor after being in a deep depression sleeping for 14 hours a day. I got on paxil at first it was a rollercoster! I would ethier be super snappy one minute the next minute I was balling on the floor. I was unable to handle the simplest problems in my life.. I went back because paxil was not helping and he put me on clexa..no progress..finally prozac was my last medication. It made me feel numb no extreme happyniess yet not in that dark place.. awitch medicine really helped me quit drugs. As of now im off the meds.. still struggling with my drug problem and depression..but a thousand times better..I realized that over time, when the streses die down..or a change comes. You got to think of it as a hard time that will pass it takes alot of optimism in a illness that is really hard. Anyways if u wanna talk anytime let me kno. Take care of yourself

If you are about to cry I am guessing that you are not on meds that are working. I do hope that you can get to someone soon for new meds. It really does hurt to not feel normal.

I know EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. I took Paxil...but it stopped working..so I have been on Effexor for a couple of years. The past few weeks...it too seems to be not working (by the way...Paxil worked well for about 6 years for me ). Then I start to feel "odd"...like I am doing the other motions that humans do...but don't feel like I am...well it is not the word happy...cause I usually don't feel pollyanna happy...but I guess it is more just feeling "normal". That is what the depression does to me...it makes me feel like I am so isolated among everyone /thing. I go about my normal routines but it becomes even sometimes hard to talk...cause it is exhausting and grueling ...I know that I have been on stuff that worked in the past...so I am going to make myself seek help I guess...but each day passes and I get less motivated. Course that is the nature of the illness.