Am I Depression?

I am not sure if I am a person anymore. I do not feel like a person. I think I am the emotion called depression. I don't remember what true happiness feels like. I'm not sure if I have ever felt it. Last summer I wanted to kill myself so badly. I didn't want to hurt my parents though. I couldn't do it. I confessed to my parents that I was purging, and that's when I started going to therapy. My therapist is nice. She put me on fluoxetine (prozac) and I do not feel better yet. I thought I would start feeling better by now. I slept normally for two entire weeks (or that's how long it felt like) and now I am back to waking up in the middle of the night. Except this time it is every single night. I am so tired right now. That is why I am rambling on.

I am so scared about everything. I am scared that I will not be able to concentrate in school, that my grades will drop, that I'll get fat, that I won't get thinner, that I might kill myself, that my parents will hate me, that the whole world thinks I'm gross and weird, that I'll go to hell, that I'll start doing drugs, that I'll never find true love. I am not sure whether these fears are rational or not. My therapist says they are not. They feel so real though. I am not sure what reality is anymore. I am not sure what happiness is.

Can someone please describe what it means to be happy? What it feels like to live a depression free day? What it feels like to not lose interest in hobbies and friends? What it feels like to have motivation and will power to want to live?

I want out, but I'm afraid of what trouble I'll get into if I don't worry every single second of the day.
AbysmalSoul AbysmalSoul
13-15, F
1 Response Feb 18, 2013

That sounds tough :/ I'm sorry. I really hope your therapist can help.

Why are you afraid of what will happen if you don't worry? What might happen? Does worrying help stop it happening?

I guess you're right. Worrying isn't going to solve anything.

Hey, I wasn't trying to tell you off. It was a genuine question. Sorry.

How are you doing right now?