Into The Void.

I'll just come right out and state the obvious: depression sucks.
For me, my depression doesn't exist by itself. There's some lovely other things thrown into the mix that make for quite the proverbial rollercoaster ride, if you catch my drift.
I try to stay as busy as humanly possible just so I don't have to think, because if my mind is able to wander...it's like I get stuck in this spiral of downwards thinking that just pops out of nowhere, and I sink lower than low.
I'm constantly exhausted, because I also have trouble sleeping (yay insomnia), but if I'm not exhausted, I think too much, which sends my depression spiraling out of control...and results in thoughts of non-existence - not suicide necessarily, but just thinking about non-existence (to me, there's a distinct difference). It's frustrating, because I know that I need to break the thought pattern, but I also can't CBT my own brain. I try distracting myself and a whole host of other things, but nothing seems to work. I also isolate myself a lot, which I know probably isn't the best thing, but I do it without even realizing it sometimes...I'm good at pushing people away. I just wish that all of these things I use with other people would help me. Sigh.

I think I just needed to get this out - I'm not looking for any advice or anything like that, because I know that seeking counseling is the ideal next move...and "just snapping out of it" doesn't work. If it did, then no one would be depressed. I swear, some of the misconceptions about depression are just so ridiculous. I have a semi-break from things in a bit, and that tends to be when things start getting all fruity in the loop.