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A Child Born From Sin

From the perspective of the average person, I look like a regular guy attending his first year of college.; I have a lot of friends, I have a family and I have my music (I'm a music performance major in college.) Behind the image of the regular guy is a history of abuse, neglect, abandonment and sin. At the moment I am 18 years old attending a local university as a freshman undergrad, the past month has dramatically changed my life and it all started with the truth about my birth. My childhood can best be described as a cycle of abuse and neglect; I grew with my mother and my half-sister, my mother was a major alcoholic who spent every night drinking infront of me since I was a young child, whenever something went wrong in her life she had to take it out on me and make me suffer with her. When I was 10 years old my mother lost her job and started taking me to bars with her, I stood there watching her drink and drink till she couldn't anymore, there were many times where I would leave the bar and just sit outside crying my eyes out for hours; unfortunately this wasn't my first exposure to her abuse with alcohol, when I was 6 years old my mother called a few of my family members who were drinking and asked them to "beat" the retard out of me because I had trouble talking and reading, that night I was beaten with beer bottles and burned with cigarettes while my mother watched and tell my family members to beat me harder. No matter what I will always see my mother as a worthless drunk, her way of dealing with stress was drinking and beating me while in a drunken stature; aside of that, there is also my sister who I without a doubt believe suffers from a mental illness. My sister suffered a horrific childhood like I did but instead of helping me escape that she made it her mission to make sure that I suffer a worse childhood than hers; my sister would come home everyday and verbally abuse from night to day, my sister spent my childhood trying to make me "understand" that i was a slow, retarded, worthless piece of s**t, she even went as far as to threaten to stab me not too long ago. I apologize for this volumous rant of my childhood and running away from the unanswered question of "the truth of my birth," a month ago (right before christmas) my father (who I met when I was 8 and was barely in my childhood) told me the truth of how I was conceived; when I was conceived my father was married to another woman and my mother was my father's mistress. I was a child born from an affair...
My whole I had these questions about why my father was never there and why my father's family always acted strange to me, and now I knew why...
To this day I do not believe that my father considers me his son, I believe that he see's me as his bastard child and nothing more...
The worse part of this was a wanting I've had ever since I was young boy, to want to develop a strong relationship with my paternal side of the family. Even though I always got the sense that I was different when I was around my half-siblings ( from my dad's side, of course,) it was with them that I actually felt like I was part of a family...
it was with them that I felt like I was cared about...
it was with them that I felt like I mattered for the first time in my life....
it was with my older brother that I finally felt like a family member truly cared about me and felt concern over me...
In my 18 years of life I have never felt any love or warmth from anyone in my family until a month ago with one of my older brothers, but with the knowledge that my father has given me after the fact, I feel like its all been a big lie and so, I have chosen to abandon them all and turn my back on them and my past

My last words to them (except my older brother) will be, " You will never see my face again, I am leaving all the lies and the nonsense that has been on my shoulders since birth. Just because I was born from sin(adultery) doesn't mean that I'm worthless or meant to fail, goodbye to all of you. Love, the bastard child

My last words to my brother will be, " Thank you brother, for finally bringing me a smile to my face when no one else could. You showed me care and warmth where no one else would and for that I thank you. I love you big brother - Junior Junior

This is depression...
This is life at its lowest...
Cerorizo Cerorizo 18-21, M Feb 18, 2013

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