I Tear Myself Up Inside

I have always been made to feel like a screw up ever since i lost my grandfather at the age of 11.  He was the only one who could understand me... the only one who took the time to listen and saw right through me.  After his death things seemed to spiral down.  I was starting to notice my family was arguing a lot more, my younger brother would burry himself in his distructive behavior and as we got older he started to hang out with the wrong kids.  I was always put down more than i was complimented by my parents.  There was this 'standard' my father had in his head that came from his old ways of thinking, that I was to be this proper yound girl and had to hang with the 'right' crowd...but he never explained why he wanted this from me, why it was soo important to me.  When he didnt explain things to me, I would get curious and start doing the opposite of what he wanted thinking maybe then I would know exactly why he insisted that I be a certain way. 

Well this went on for years until he got soo fed up with me he pushed me into the marriage that as those who know me was the biggest mistake my father could have made.  I tried every day to please my parents, my ex and his family because i was made to think i wasnt living up to their expectations.  This led to my eating disorders... I would gain and then lose drastic amounts of weight left and right... and this worsened after my two girls were born.  My ex did not believe in depression and he brushed it off telling me it was all in my head. 

Well obviously my marriage ended and due to the fact that my ex believes its because i didnt make him happy that drove him to drugs and to raping my lil sister.. that really f*cked up my thinking...

i am currently in a long distant relationship with this new guy. He is soo important to me because from day one, he has filled that void that was lost after my grandfather died, but today we are having issues... words are being twisted and things are being said that dont need to be said.  And once again i feel as though i am the screw up.  I know now that I am not, but it is still takin a tole on me... i was physically and emotionally abused in my marriage, and those issues are always going to conflict with my better judgement.

I just wish he could see thru me just as my grandfather could...

i wish i didnt put myself down...

i wish i could see what others see in me

kukuez kukuez
22-25, F
10 Responses Aug 31, 2008

Really good advice guys. I think it is important to encourage each other as well as ourselves.

seriously, thanks you guys... for all the good advice... imma bust out in tears in a second.. but imma try not to... :) thanks bunches

thanks for the advice... i will try that

It is very hard to change that tape that plays in our heads. And it is real hard to do it when you are having problems in one part of your life. Try writing down 5 things you like about yourself, may be using your grandfathers words would help, then putting it somewhere that you look constantly. You might find that it helps.

ur welcome...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thanks !!! :)

thanks soo much for everything...and for the tribute... that was sweet..your a really great person and a great listener

You are doing better than you think!! :)

thanx for reading bout my messed up-ness

Thanks for sharing. Depression can make us see ourselves through rust colored glasses. It is difficult to pull yourself out but even harder to do it alone. For me therapy and meds have helped. Hope things look up for you. :-)