Cut Off

As a Christian, my idea of hell is being cut off from God. It is not a place of fire but a state of mind. Why am I writing this in a "depression" forum? I define depression as a small taste of being cut off. It is a feeling of being stuck, trapped in your own head. It is unreality. It seems inescapable.

It is a sensation of being completely separated from your own body but paradoxically tied to it.

You view everything through "depressed" glasses. Everyone hates you, can see right through you and knows you to be the fraud that you know you are. You interpret everything they say as a barb against you. It takes very little to reduce you an uncontrollable mess.

You're an expert at crying quietly, burying your face into your pillow and sobbing. You've perfected the art of being able to recover quickly from a bout of crying without looking like you've just been crying your eyes out.

I hate my depression, which is why I haven't been taking my meds. There are times where I think it's all in my head and that I can beat it through sheer will power. Sometimes I hate God for not taking away my depression. I shout at him - WHY DON"T YOU JUST ******* TAKE IT AWAY?! I AM NO USE TO YOU LIKE THIS.

He hasn't taken away my depression but he has stayed with me, even though I have been completely unloveable at times. He sees me at my worst when I give him NOTHING, and chooses to stay. I don't think that he wants me to be depressed, I think he wants me to have joy in him, but I'm way too proud to admit that I need meds or go and see a therapist. I have to want to do this.

Btw. this is my second day of meds. God give me the strength to admit to my sister (or someone) that I have been struggling for the past 4 months. I just hate the way this thing controls my life, I just want it to be FIXED. But I have to realize that this is not the way this goes.

LostTraveller LostTraveller
26-30, F
2 Responses Jun 3, 2007

Depression is alot of anger turned inward, i was hospitalised for clinical depression 2 years ago. i am a 62 year old woman,battled dep. a lot of years. Dep. is no respecter of anyone it is a dark abyss. I have been seeing counselor ,am in a group for adult children of alcoholics. i am also on meds. God allows us to go through difficult times so we can help others,my hope is i can be an encouragement to young women through their difficuties

Hi Lost, I hope you dont mind me asking but how do you find God? I've been looking for him for a while, but i get totally disheartened when i look at the state the world is in, and the state i'm in for that matter.<br />
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I even consider going to church to ask a minister what the hell is going on here? I try to be a good person and i believe i am, i'm a good friend, a good daughter and a good sister.<br />
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Inside myself i'm a total mess, i've been depressed for a long time and like you, i sometimes think i can over come it with willpower, other times i feel so low, i wonder whats the point of going on with life, and to be honest i only do it so that i dont hurt my parents and family.<br />
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I do believe in God because he blessed me with my parents who, no matter what i've done in the past love and support me no matter what.<br />
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I've tried suicide a couple of times but it didn't work, so i got to thinking that i must be here for a reason, but what reason though?<br />
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To hide away in my house day after day and pretend to everyone that i'm doing fine?<br />
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Please let me know what you think.<br />
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Hugs, Pink xxx