I Just Get So Tired of Fighting This!

I am just so tired of this depression robbing me of life.......I have been on meds for about 2 years now. Just when I think I have my life back that black shadow of sadness reaches up an snaps me back down into a pit of darkness.  I ask myself how many more times do I have to fight my way back to the light? The sad thing is I don't even know what causes my depression........I have a great husband of 28 years that loves me and supports me through my rough spells..........we have a nice life, new house, two cars and no money worries........my two grown children are great........my daughter went to college and after graduation worked with children in trouble, now she works for PETA........my son is still in college working on his PhD in astro/physics, he is getting married to a wonderful girl this October. I guess I'm just not wired for happiness.

I see my doctor again next week I guess he will adjust my meds again. I'm not sure if I like the meds they make me feel numb but at least they help me participate in life. If I had one wish it would be to be depression free for the rest of my life.

Sorry all that this is so dark.........but this is depression...........

seekspeace seekspeace
46-50, F
10 Responses Sep 3, 2008

I understand what your saying all too well. Remember with every down time, if we can hold on- we get our valley and mountain tops.

I am finding it difficult to find words of consolitation, sorry, thing is I am in the same boat, like yourself I think I have a wonderful husband four great kids a comfortable living and yet I am in this horror hole again, its worse at that particular time of the month, however lately its seems to be happening more often, sometimes I wonder what happiness is and feel ashamed because Im not, I have allienated myself from people, I meet them and realize that they mean well and I actually realy realy like them however I am cant speak to them for long as I go red say goodbye and run away, I am soo sad for you because I know what you are going through, I dont know about you but I know that if I go on meds I lose any shred of dignity I have left, + I dont believe they work, went on them years back after my second son was born and and couldn't stay awake, I am so tired an worn out, I feel better tomorrow, I wish I was more dignified, stronger, selfish, intelligent, hard working and less sensitive, I feel I am spurious, however I have more love in my heart than anyone,I am so lonely, I just cant show it, I feel like Im screwed,

I deleted my first comment and will try again. I guess every one gets depressed at times, most of us can pull out of it after a short time. Just the situation of the whole world is enough to depress all of us but if we throw up our hands and give up... we are done for. I just read a news article where a sick turtle showed up at the only turtle hospital in the world in the Florida keys, it's being treated and is recovering. You may wonder what the odds were for this to happen, as most of us would. The moral is that it occurred and it worked out. In the bible, it says that God marks the fall of each sparrow, if he cares about the sparrow, consider what he thinks about you?

Hi there here is my two bobs worth for you to consider...<br />
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I feel that anti-depressants are helpful but not unfortunately by themselves. In my experience they are kind of like a bandaid I have found that when I have been really really down to the point of being hospitalized talking to someone I trusted was the best thing in helping me with the meds as an aside. Having said this you say there is nothing in your life worrying or bothering you and hey that could be the case in which case maybe the problem is hormonal perhaps or as Zeak pointed out related to food intolerance. Everything is worth looking at to get to the bottom of the terrible place your in don't you think?<br />
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I also have grown up children and yes I did have some issues in my life from the past that chose to raise their ugly heads when I was around your age which you appear not to have but if I were you I would look into getting some talking stuff and just reaffirm to yourself it is a biochemical problem needing an expert to work out the meds for you rather than something additional that you might not have been able to recognize such as some underlying resentment whatever.<br />
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Good luck whatever you decide and keep expressing here how your are feeling cause thats so healthy and it gets the feelings out.

I, too, am prone to depression, and it doesn't always make sense, but I have learned to bounce back. I spend years in chronic low-grade depression, alternating between just feeling blah and wanting to die.<br />
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I didn't have to get on medication, but I learned to manage by changing the way I thought about life. You can also help your body produce its own feel-good chemicals by certain actions. http://zenhabits.net/2007/08/6-practical-and-powerful-ways-to-overcome-depression/<br />
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Sometimes, medication seems to be the only way, but I sincerely believe that by taking certain actions on your own, you can reduce and perhaps eventually eliminate your need for meds. John Nash managed his own schizophrenia - remember the movie A Beautiful Mind.<br />
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Of course, if you are already on a course of medication, I wouldn't recommend changing anything without checking with your doctor.<br />
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I believe we all have much more power than we think. Our emotions and moods, chemical imbalances, and so on, can make us feel powerless, but that is not the truth about us.<br />
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Even such things as laughter can help a great deal in restoring our chemical balance. Anything that makes us feel really good will have a positive effect on our chemical balance.<br />
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Good luck in finding your way to an outrageously wonderful life. If you need guidance, just keep reaching out like you are now. May you be blissed beyond belief.

Don't give up! I've suffered from depression from birth until I was 38. Tried suicide at least five times.<br />
I'm not cured by any stretch of the imagination but I don't have that awful black demon following me around.<br />
Meds work for me. I've been on Prozac since 1995. I need talk therapy in addition to the meds. In the beginning it was group therapy associated with the hospital. Now it's AA. I've been going to AA since 1982. Don't be afraid to try something new. Talk. Exercise, even walking. Doing positive 'feel good' things for yourself help too.<br />
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anisa kind of hit it on the spot: identifying the thoughts that lead to feelings is important. You might need the help of the therapist to get started.

It is those times when everything seems right in life i find i am the most depressed. I have suffered this way most of my life. I have tried medication which i really never believed in but i was so desperate for anything that would help i tried them. None of them worked in my case. Most of the time they just made me feel worse. I found the only thing to take the edge off was weekly therapy. Just talking to someone who understood my fear, hurt and anxiety helped me cope better. I have learned through therapy how to be aware of my emotions and thought patterns that trigger the depression. It helps to keep me from getting so far down that i could not dig myself out again. I don't know if you have tried therapy but it helped me better than the meds i think that is because she helped me figure out My triggers to my depression. I hope this helps some. Have a great day.

Thanks for the comments. I will try the journal anything to help. I will have to limit my sugar to see if it helps. My depression used to only be seasonal now I never know when it strike. My doctor told me that hormones can also affect depression. I sometimes think that's alot of mine.

I'm right here with you,too. I have a great husband. My life is not a bed of roses, but it's all what you make it, right? I have a very good doctor. The meds make my personality a little flat (ie: my sense of humor is a little slow)but it sure is a lot better than the lows I used to go through. I have come a very long way in understanding depression. Sugar affects mine. If I eat too much sugar fot awhile (Christmas cookies, birthday cake, etc), I get depressed because it really messes with your body. Then when I try to get back "on the wagon" so to speak - on a diet- I get very low for a few days. But then I start to feel much better. That is just one thing that affects me. Seasons affect me. Weather does, too. Keep a journal. You will be surprised what you learn. It really isn't just a mood!!!

I can relate...I am also married to an incredible man and have a very enjoyable life, but I often feel alone even in a room full of people. People always say fill your time with hobbies and get involved in groups...I am very involved and busy, but still so depressed. I try to keep a positive attitude, but my sadness always manages to ooze out. I don't really have much advice, but just want you to know your not alone.