I Want to Live Not Just Exist!

Don't really know when it all began but remember the darkness that surrounded me well. The feeling that the end was near was so real and in a way something I yearned for to end all the pain.

Hiding myself from the world, fearing that all eyes were on me. Unable to verbalise my thoughts, my fears, my pain, anything for that matter. Just a never ending record player of negativity tortured my mind.

The mask I wore was a facade. Could never allow anyone to see my weakness, to feel sorry for me or add fuel to the gossipers. To be so fake in such a real environment, to pretend all was right with my world when it had crumbled to the ground.

Totally engrossed in myself, I had become the person I so dispised. I could no longer function and be the selfless, caring and empathitic person I once was. I no longer knew who I was.

With the help of my GP, meds & my pysch, I have been slowly climbing what seems to be Mt Everest. I know I've come a long way, but I'm also realistic acknowledging that I still have a long way to go.

I so long for the day that I conquer Mt Everest and become the person I once was.  

dreamin dreamin
36-40, F
15 Responses Jun 9, 2007

You do have a great way of putting your feelings down.Your story could also be mine.I just can't seem to get the words out.They are stuck in my soul.

Hi There!<br />
<br />
How are you doing? well, I must agree with the majority on the rating of your writting abilities. you are awesome.<br />
you are not just writting, you are also sharing your beautiful energy with us by drawing out your experience very clear for us and I must say that I greatly appreciate this. I have a few friends that suffer from depression and I suffer in my heart along with them because I feel as if I can't reach them in this plain where they exist. it is very saddening to me sometimes.

very inspiring story. i'm right there with you

I too live in darkness and wonder if light will ever shine on my lonely existence.

You go girl, sounds like you know what is needed to help you out of that dark space. I just completed 3 months of group at a wonderful place. I have been in and out of that dark hole for most of my life, I had it this last time and was tired of the battle, but someone pulled me back, it was not my time to go, we all have work to do, A caring medical group saved my life and many more I am sure. They taught me coping skills that are used every day to maintain my healthy lifestyle. Are you involved in group therapy sessions? One on one with a psych. is definitely good, but talking to people who are as mesed up as we believe we are is a really big help. good luck dreamin stay strong

They tell me that the rare disease I have is known to not kill a person but to disable them. However, they tell me that the number one reason people die from it is because they kill themselves. The disease makes you so ill and so tired and it affects the central nervous system and endocrine system.... Depression gets severe. Before they diagnosed me, I had about two years where I seriously contemplated ending my life several times. Now, I know when I start having those thoughts that I have to just fight it. I've learned to force myself through the depression by making myself do or think things that I don't want to... you know, healthy and happy things. It's so tough to do that when you feel so bad... but, with practice and determination, I am succeeding. I thought it might help others with depression to know this.

i know what you are talking about, i live in that darkness too. no one understands, they would rather stay away , then to try, aT LEAST that is how it is for me. i'm glad to hear you've made some progress.. keep trying, hopefully it will get better .. smile when you can.

you are alive and in charge of your life even after suffering from depression which i find very commendable

I can't even climb the bunny slope let alone mount everest. Most days are to much for me.

I read your story, sounds so much like mine, although I have a medical condition (cancer) and a cheating husband who I thought was my soul mate for 25 years. He actually started cjeating when i was gtting chemo, said it was easier then because i was hospitalized for 5 days at a time, all our children are grown so he wasn't around them much either. I am having such a hard time, I am so lonely, I sometimes wish God would have taken me during my illness. I find no joy in anything, and find waking up to this life so overwhelming. I have been praying for hlp for three years nopw thats when i was diagnosed with cancer, i also had a stroke and i amonly 48, before all this I was healhy and a gym rat, worked out and right, now i dont even hav e the energy to get up out of bed. I really feel so wounded, and my poor family are at there wits end, I hear get over it mom, pull up your boot straps, he doesnt want you anymore you need to move on, but I know all this but cant seem to get thru it.I had been with tis man since i was 17, had no other man in my life, dont bknow how to date or even meet new people any suggestions from anyone?

When you are depressed you need to read John chapter 3 verses 16-15, for love conquers depression.

I too know how you are feel having to put on that smile every day and try to fit into everyone else's classification of " normal " Im am hoping to be able to say one day soon that i am also feeling better.. Im happy for you, any progress is good. Be proud of those foward steps... keep stepping...

wow. thanks for sharing. it's amazing how you think you're the only one going through something like this and that no one understands and then i read your story and it could be mine. i'm doing a lot better now and it's still a struggle. but i feel like there is "light at the end of the tunnel". just knowing that there are others that can understand that struggle helps and lets me know that there is hope. :-)

You are a wonderful writer. You should write a novel. Putting your thoughts on paper or the computer lifts your spirit. You are talented. I bet you could get published. You would be on top of the world to kiss depression good-bye forever. It would be a natural high, no more anti-depressants or tears for you.

:) yor exact words could be mine.. its so weird how when you here other peoples stories that are the same you already feel connected coz you know exactly what that persons goin through.. iv been on anto depresants since i was 16 just goin from one to the other coz none realli worked or they would make me so sick, as iv gotten older things just kept getin worse, im onli 20 but like you last year got help with a mental health team that got me onto the medication that im on now that eventualli helped pull me forward through the depresion but i lost all of me while i was so depresed&now hav 2 face the real world&im not even sure who i am or what my future mite be.. just one day at a time i gues but is a never ending battle against my ownself.. gotta keep hope tho, how are you feeling now<br />