Will Life Ever Return to 'normal' Whatever That Is

All throughout my life I have suffered periods of depression - too long to go into the why's, if's and maybe's.  Most of the causes would be outside my control i.e. circumstance either through relationship breakdown, problems with family, financial, housing issues, health issues.  It just never seemed to stop - one problem would barely seem to get to a 'compromise' situation and another huge problem would present itself knocking me back again and again.

The current situation I am now in is only part of a bigger picture but - just this year alone January started with being flooded out of a flat I and my son (joint tenants) had only been in for 6 months.  In 10 days we were shunted about 8 times.  Both my son and I became ill - he with a flare up of his Ulcerative Colitis - me with Diverticulitis.  Eventually we were 'temporarily' housed miles away in a small village.  The only means of getting anywhere is by car - buses are few and far between and only on benefit, the fares too much to warrent paying public transport fares on a regular basis.

I lost my job last spring and had continued to be unable to find another - this again is another sad story, which left me devastated.

Anyway back to this year.  So now living where we never wanted to be - my son now having to drive 27 miles to and from his place of work due to being temporarily housed here - being told we could be here a YEAR.  I feeling so down and awaiting a gynae op, which I had in March.

I continued to be unwell i.e. I have diverticular disease, then started getting severe pain - had relevant investigations done and diagnosed with gallstones requiring surgery - this will mean another 5 or so months on the waiting list.

I was going mad being stuck in this small village on top of a hill - not allowed due to recent surgery to lift anything or trudge up and down hills - my weight crept up due to lack of exercise.  All day I'd be alone in the flat - nowhere to go, no-one to talk to, depressed and fed up.  Eventually I decided that as I could no longer get a job in which I was skilled and spent my whole life virtually - doing applied for part time work at a supermarket. 

I found the work hard going after a year of being out of work and worried I was 'overdoing' it as  it was only 6 weeks after my hysterectomy op.

After 2 and a half weeks there - the Saturday morning of the recent bank holiday, I got a call from my sister saying my mother had been rushed into A&E - she'd taken a massive overdose and wasn't expected to live.

I had to ask for time off as the hospital where she was - was 27 miles away.  I have a small car, which with the financial help of my son have been able to keep on the road - the length of journey terrified me - it's such a long way and takes me at least an hour - I'm terrified that I will get an attack of 'Biliary Colic' which is so painful and lasts usually about an hour but during that time I am totally incapacitated.

Well - my mother was brought back to life after they filled her with the 'antidote' for 3 days - even though she had always stated she never wanted to be resuscitated.  Isn't giving someone the antidote resucsitation?  It is in my opinion.

When she came out of the coma some days later it was like she'd developed dementia overnight.  She bacame violent, swearing, didn't recognise any of us, had period of incontinence.  She even waved a knife at me.  After 2 weeks she became more lucid but was still very ill.  Travelling back and forth on a daily basis to see her I simply could not physically continue - I'm 60 next year and it was just overwhelming me.  Each day following a visit I'd ache and hurt as my car doesn't have power assisted steering - I got to the point I didn't want to see her like this - I wanted just to run and hide.  Why had my sister not let her die I thought - when she found her so close to death that first day - just let her slip quietly away.  Here she was now suffering physical and mental torture with drips, needles and catheters  in her - she has emphysema anyway and that alone will kill her - WHY drag her back to suffer a prolonged period of life??  I felt so much anger and frustration.  It could all have been over - peace at last in a lot of ways to long to detail here.

To add insult to injury my mother earlier this year - without even mentioning it to me and my sons until all the paperwork was signed and the deed done - had made my sister and her eldest son Power of Attorney.  So - here I was the eldest daughter of 2 - in a situation where I am watching my mother's financial advisor discussing what type of care etc and financial issues with my younger sister of 8 years and her son - and being told I could not be a part of these discussions - they were confidential.  My brain was in turmoil - yet again, despite my mother's frail state I felt shut out - why I thought am I bothering even to visit?

She had the medical team baffled as to her continuing periods of 'confusion' - test and more tests were done.  Yesterday evening I get a call from my sister telling me that my mother had taken yet another turn for the worse - vomiting blood - panic stations at the hospital - endoscopy - being a blood transfusion - they found she has 4 duodenal ulcers.

It just doesn't stop - it just goes on and on.

I lost my new job as they could not continue to allow me time off as I had only just started working for them.  I now sit alone each day - still stuck in this temporary flat - no money - tried to reapply for reinstatement of my incapacity benefit and without going into detail - it's all screwed up so goodness knows when I'll get any.  I can't sleep, feel ill myself and there's my sister insisting I should come in and see my mother as I'm only going in 3 times a week now.  I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER - I want to be left alone.  I can't bear anymore problems.  I'm not well myself.  I can't take on board anything more.  I wish she had died and the long drawn out illness she's had for 10 years would at last be over.  I've had enough of all the doom and gloom - of having found myself 30 miles away from the area I grew up in.  No job - no friends - haven't had any for years.  It's all insane.  And folk wonder why I'm depressed?  No I don't feel like killing myself - I'd be terrified of ending up like my mother.

And no, I can't think positive - take one step at a time - smile or do anything else that do-gooders say.  I hurt mentally and physically and my depression goes soul deep.  Is it any wonder?

I just want life to be normal again - I'm torn between where I lived most of my life or remaining in the area, which I have to admit I had grown to love and my son loves until we were flooded out and ended up 13 miles away here.  We're not allowed any pets and I so miss my cat.  I'm rabbiting on now so I'll stop.

Amberleaf Amberleaf
56-60, F
2 Responses Jun 19, 2007

Thank you for your kind words. You are so right I'm on the biggest guilt trip - that was something my mother was so good at doing - putting me on a guilt trip - and she's still doing it without saying anything !!<br />
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Outside the day is beautiful, the sun is shining and I can hear the wind rustling through the leaves of nearby trees - so much beauty around me yet inside I feel withered up and dry. I long to be held, hugged - a cat to cuddle and talk to - listen to its purring - one day hopefully I will be allowed to have one - when we are found permanent accommadation. In the meantime no.<br />
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I also didn't mention that I dislike visiting my mother when my sister is there as she totally 'takes over' - sits right beside her - holding her hands and fussing over her like a broody hen and chattering away to her all the time like some demented budgie - well she is bi-polar and a borderline schizophrenic!! Funny if it wasn't all so sad. I just feel utterly shut out just like I did as a child - the minute my sister was born I no longer had my mum anymore as all her attention from then on was on my sister - and for an 8 year old that's hard to take on board but as an adult - you keep quiet as others feel as you're grown up I should take it all with a pinch of salt. Sorry it doesn't work like that - the wounds experienced whilst young leave very deep scars that remain for a lifetime.<br />
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I have stood and looked at my sick mother and the guilt I feel is I feel - empty - numb - I dont know how I feel anymore.

Amberleaf,<br />
Boy, you have had some very difficult times. It is so easy for people to give advice that do not have any idea of how we are feeling or why. But, one thing that has helped me is to give myself permission to take care of myself, be kind to myself in whatever way necessary. I am sorry to hear that your mother is having a difficult time. I would also say, stop going to visit so often. It sounds like she has people there for her. Take care of yourself without guilt.