Going, Going . . .

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. It started getting really bad when I was about 15. I'm 30 now. I have been on tons of different medications. I have been in years of therapy and I have been in a psychiatric in patient hospital. I have taken Paxil, Lithium, Prozac, Lexapro, Celexa, Zoloft, Wellbutrin and now Effexor. I have been married for almost six years and I have two small children -- 5 and 2. I am a full time law student. My husband works two jobs and we are in so much debt we can't see straight. I have a spending addiction and I was diagnosed with CFS when I was 15. My desire to commit suicide dropped some after I had my children because the thought of leaving my children kills me. But, there are times when I think they would be better off without me. My husband does not suffer with depression and although I would never wish depression on him, he doesn't understand it. I have no sex drive, no motivation, no energy. I sleep as much as possible (which isn't much since I'm in school.) I feel ugly and fat since I've had my daughters. I actually had plastic surgery last x-mas. It helped some, but I still feel gross. I hate my MIL. I have no relationship with my father. I am generally an angry person. I have gotten a lot better about controlling it, but I just have no patience. It seems I get way too angry over things. some days are better than others though. When I had time, exercise helped a lot. It got rid of a lot of the negative energy. But, now I just don't have much time at all. My husband finished grad school right before I started law school, so we are now in like the 4th year of unrelenting stress and no money. We can't afford to buy our own house. We both drive piece of **** cars. I'm just tired of it. And school whips my butt on a regular basis. I keep going though, hoping that this will help all of us -- that it will all be worth it one day.
MsPenni MsPenni
26-30, F
1 Response Jun 29, 2007

I f exercised helped a lot, maybe it would be worth it to try to find a way to add that back in to your busy life? I know for me when I exercise it can make a difference. But also I struggle with the lack of energy and motivation you mentioned which makes it tough to get regular exercise. Thanks for your story. I've been in therapy for many years too. I just tried effexor and couldn't tolerate it so I went back to celexa even though it's no miracle cure.