Summers

I know everyone looks forward to the summer time.  I hear people talk about going to the beach and family vacations etc..   It seems everyone around me seems happier and more carefree.  I remember I used to be that way with summertime approaching.  Now it makes me feel more isolated then ever.  It just feels like there is a huge party going on all around me but I am not invited.   I just have to sit and watch everyone else enjoy themselves. 

You see two years ago I was at camp with my whole family  A big family reunion that lasted an entire week.  I should of known that would not be good.  I have always had a hard time around my family, just never feel I am good enough.  They are all very successful at there jobs and have beautiful homes and beautiful kids and there lives seem full and happy.  With each passing day at camp with them I felt more and more depressed and inadequit.  I had no success stories to tell or any big plans going on in my life.  Somehow being around them just magnified just how little I have and the emptiness consummed me.  One night they were all singing and laughing around the campfire everyone having a great time as usual.  There I sat feeling more and more islolated.  Why couldnt I feel like them.  I found that I could no bare being around them anymore and got up and left for home.  I picked up beer on the way home and drank til I was  in a stooper.  That is when I saw my sleeping pills.  I downed the bottle.    So now when summer approaches it sends me into a panic.   I am much better then I was 2 years ago but the fear of being in that terribly dark place again is triggered by the onset of heat and long summer days.     I want to be able to enjoy summertime again because in Maine believe me you dont get many warm days, but now summertime seems to have a very dark cloud around it. 

Mainegirl2 Mainegirl2
46-50, F
2 Responses Jun 30, 2007

I can relate!!! This summer has totally sucked !! I hate my job and this year instead of being able to actually enjoy the summer I've been working 7 days a week at this sucky job!! I mean , I live within 15 min of the beach but haven't been there once this year because of my job ! I get see all the tourists wandering around having fun and find myself wondering what that would be like ! I don't have much family but I can relate to your feelings about feeling inadequate around all these people bragging about all the great things they're doing. I got an invite to my class reunion and there's no way I'm going! Everyone's gonna be sittin' there goin' on about their great jobs and their great new house and their overachieving kids and when they ask me what I'm doin' what would I say? " oh, just going to work and paying bills and wishin' I had a life, that's about it" You're not alone

I also have feelings of shame and guilt about (or entangled with?) feeling depressed... why can't I be as happy and carefree as the people around me, what is wrong with me... if I let people know how much pain I'm in they will abandon me altogether... In the winter when it is cold and gloomy I can more easily accept feeling low and it seems like other people can relate, but in the summer! It's like I have no excuse!