I Find It Hard Still

I have battled with depression since I can remember and have been on anti depressants since I was 20, though I should have been on them before that.  I'm 33 now.  I have tried about 4 different brands and am always at the top of the dosage range.  My mother died when I was 17 and my Dad when I was 29, and I miss my dad everyday still.  I believe my life will never be as good as when my father was in it.  I know that Winston Churchill described depression as the black dog that came and sat with him and that is what it feels like.  Like it just walks up to you and shadows you and does not leave.  I know that I'll be on antidepressants forever but that's okay.  I 've tried to come off them a few times but I just fluxuate between intense anxiety to lying in bed for days and not washing.  I get along fine on the whole but I feel intense guilt and then periods of nothingness.  So I wonder if this is what it's like for everyone.  Life's bloody hard.
helmould helmould
31-35, F
Jul 22, 2007