The Drop

     Every time I start feeling like super man, and I'm savagely handsome and everybody loves me, I should see it coming.  I do, but it doesn't cause any trepidation or anxiety.  How can it?  I feel like superman.  Wham!  It hits , and I'm sobbing so hard, I can't  talk.  It's as if everyone I love has suddenly died in some horrible accident, or all my children have developed an incurable cancer.  It's like the worst acid trip ever.  In five seconds, I go from loving life to wanting to die.  Even the people I'm close to have a hard time understanding.  When I can, I try to have someone with me, they usually don't know what to say, I try to explain that they don't have to say anything, just be with me in case my heart explodes, or that cold cold hand squeezes the life out of it.  It really feels like it could.  I know everyone dies alone, but I want someone to hold my hand, because I'm scared.  It always has to be a female, for some reason, it's not as embarrassing in front of a lady.  The worst, is when it hits in a  crowded place and there's no where to hide, and no one that I know is around

     I love every one who fights this battle just a little more, because we are always going to be the only ones who really know what a living hell it can be.

puck61 puck61
51-55, M
45 Responses Jul 23, 2007

I know that warning high. I know it's not real but it feels like I can do anything and nothing can hurt me.
Then I'm sitting in the bathroom on the side of the tub trying to keep from being too loud. No one can fix it. It only upsets everyone. They want to fix it. They want to know if I've taken my meds. They want to know what happened. But I can't talk. I can't explain. Yes I've taken my meds but sometimes it happens anyway. Especially if I had taken Tramadol for my back pain (don't do that anymore). So I have my breakdown alone. I just let the mean voices say their piece and try not to scream. After a while I'm too tired to cry anymore, I tell everyone I'm tired and I go to bed. Eventually things will level out. That's what I hold on to.

You touched my heart I'm guessing the mood cycle you are describing is bipolar cycling. I empathize greatly I've battled the intense mania and depression cycles for as long as I can remember. When I was young I was centered at least half the time. Not so much anymore the cycles seem to worsen as I age. I'm working on situations in my life to reach a peaceful more healthy lifestyle. When friends are around me they can't understand what it's like to be that up or that down at a given time. They see such a small part of what is going on inside of me.

I wish I had someone with me who goes through what we go through,I think it would be easier if there was someone who understood.But,they don't they can' doesn't make sense to them(hence mental Illness) and I certainly can't make it just stop.....I fight something everyday.I send you wishes of strength and love the only two things that really get you from one moment to the next in times like those.

@ Mercgal:
I totally the turns come and stay the hardest whenever I have to deal with my primary caregiver duties with my Grandma. Twice a week (or more) for the past year & a half.
@ Puck61:
The last part strikes such a cord. Having someone understanding around does seem to help sometimes.

I was doing great until Ive been forced to be my dying Moms caretaker. All the old feelings of anger, bitterness and pain are ripping me apart!

Sorry to hear that. I hope you can hold up well.

I buried my mother Feb. of 2011. I am still wrestling those old feelings...anger, bitterness, and an aching heart. It seems it takes a long time to wear these feelings down. I don't expect those memories to ever abate, but I can tell you it gets easier every few months. So there is help and hope.

Puck, sounds like you are Bi Polar. NOTHING to be ashamed of, and there are some great new meds for it. Im sure you must be scared...thats horrible to go from happy to terrified in a nanosecond!

yes. I'm on a combination of lamotrogine, welbutrin, Hydroxazine, and aripiprozole. I haven't had any cycling like that in quite some time.

I think you are bipolar rather than Just depressed

Yes, Since this story was written I've stabilized on a combination of welbutrin, lamotrogine , aripiprozole and hydroxazine ...cycling is very mild.

Good for you!. I know the story is old glad you are stable and around

Hi, I know how you feel. I was on a short period of high once, transformed and still is transforming every bit of my life from top to toe and even my house, career and then when i thought i really could walk out, bam! It hits me again, wiping my weeks of hard work to zilch. I felt like crying but i didn't want to give in to this disease. I have had so much dreams to work on. <br />
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I even felt like sometimes i could faint anytime just like that. I have this look in my eyes when i am seriously depressed and i know it cos people looked at me funny. I just try my very best to get home and collapse right there when i did. I want to cry but no tears came. I ever cried once on the train. I feel like crying now that i think of it cos it's really quite sad when i picture myself crying silent tears in a cabin full of strangers. But now i tell myself to cry whenever i want to at home. Otherwise, how else will i be able to release the pent up emotions?

I feel for you. I've stabilized quite a bit since I wrote this, but I've done the same thing with jobs. Do amazing and get pretty quick promotions only to crash and lose it all.

I'm four years late getting to this story, but I'll say anyway that it's a good one. chronic despair is indeed something that people who don't live with it really can't grasp.

hey everyone well i been depressed my whole life but at certain points of my life it feels like it hits me more i have been so depressed i feel like i lost touch with who i am i am so tired emotionally, physically, and most of all mentally i feel so weak at times i have no strength im so mad with life and living my stomach hurts me all the time my eatin habits or always changing i have no one to talk to about how i feel i feel so alone and not understood sometimes i wish i was never born.but everyday is a struggle for me and im still fighting.

You definitely need to talk to people and work through it the best you can. Your profile experiences are pretty grim. You've heard the story about the two dogs? The live in your soul and one is good and the other is bad. The strongest dog of course will be the one you feed the most. Talk to people, make friends, and watch out for your thoughts!



Yes! I do have an angel. Thank you so much for commenting.

I understand. And I applaud this wonderful piece of writing.<br />
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*gives a standing ovation from somewhere in the abyss*

Wow,Plaid. Thanks a lot.

They give me lamotrogine, webutrin, and abilify, they were giving me lorazepam, but they canceled it today.

I was on a bunch of sc<x>ripts before that kept me from writing, so I had my doc take me off them and ended up with just very low dose of SSRI and a ton of serotonin boosters along with a stimulant. What I was on before did keep me from ever hiting the serious lows, but it also kept me from having the highs and all but killed my creativity. With what I take now, I may need a good cry now and again, but the trade off is worth it.<br />
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Side note - I have talked with my doc about everything I take and all the research I put into it, and he agrees with it all. General warning to all: Before taking a serotonin precurser along with an SSRI, do your homework and then talk with your doctor!!!

Hi, i know what ou mean. My very fear of seeing a therapist is that the meds can kill my creative juices as a writer too. I am not a full fledged one but i am working on it as a career.

Hence, i am also going to thread with care.

I was on a bunch of sc<x>ripts before that kept me from writing, so I had my doc take me off them and ended up with just very low dose of SSRI and a ton of serotonin boosters along with a stimulant. What I was on before did keep me from ever hiting the serious lows, but it also kept me from having the highs and all but killed my creativity. With what I take now, I may need a good cry now and again, but the trade off is worth it.<br />
<br />
Side note - I have talked with my doc about everything I take and all the research I put into it, and he agrees with it all. General warning to all: Before taking a serotonin precurser along with an SSRI, do your homework and then talk with your doctor!!!

Great post, Puck! I hear ya too...I suffer clinical depression as well. Like you, I should know by now that soon after that high point hits a depression will soon be following. The issue there though is I never know how long either will last...I can feel great for months before hand, or just moments and the same with the lows. I'm on a good cocktail of presc<x>riptions and OTC suppliments that are helping tremendously, but at least in my case there doesn't seem to be a cure all - just a cushion. If I forget to take them for a couple days it's a rough week catching back up too.<br />
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Those lows are such a horrible feeling too. Durning those times I just "know" that no one in the world would miss me if I died...that everyone only tolerates my company. That everything I've ever done is worthless. Of course I know none of that is true, and there's always some small portion of me that clings the the brightside of it all with a sort of mad desperation...but in those low times when the sefl loathing peaks, all I can do is sob into a pillow.

Thanks, fordprefect. It's great that you have found the right combination without losing your creative flare! My being stabilized has taken away most of my writing ability. When I was cycling I was writing a lot.

STC- Thank you. I am doing much better, and I must say I owe it to the wonders of modern medicine. I now take what seems to be the perfect combination of meds.<br />
foolishme- Thank you. Are you still cycling badly? You can PM me any time if you can bring yourself to do it.

Eesh. I know the feeling so well... It sure sucks, doesn't it? Reading the comments, though, I'm glad you're doing better :)

Thank you SunshineEddy, you'll find out I'm pretty liberal with the self disclosure. I look forward to reading your stories.

a beautiful story.... I know, it sounds odd, right? but, it captures the essence really accurately... it is a courageous story... I don't dare put in writing the desc<x>riptors such as you use (losing every member of your family at once) because I'm afraid of bringing them about, but that IS exactly how it can feel.... ultimate loss, ultimate Alone, ultimate emptiness....<br />
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I already belong to this group but I've shied from writing my story... even writing about it can bring it on for me... I should write it the next time I feel it, maybe it'll be cathartic :)<br />
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Thank you for sharing :)<br />
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I think that's true , prettytasty.

I've had depression before and it is hard to crawl out of that hole but I think it makes us more compassionate and caring and know you can handle all comes to pass

Well.....just for you to know, if you want us...all you have to do is call, ok?<br />
<br />
Samantha xx

Thank you kindly..I adore your comment......:)

Thank you Marji and VoteForPedro, and gr8tjesus. I really appreciate your comments.

beautiful write...enjoyed reading...superb language and flow of words are awesome..u left me speechless...these comments are not enough to compliment u i think.... ..:)

Thank you CrazyAmelle and SamanthaTheStreetwalker.

Yeah....I go along with that. EVERYONE does get depressed.....just a matter of how severe....<br />
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That's the thing with depression; you go through it once it's easier to go through it again.....but it also makes it that bit easier to get out of too....<br />
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Alone yet in a crowd? Hard to say what will help. I help councelling (in my other job!) and I know that just being there and being respectful and caring can help.....<br />
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Like CA're not alone..... *smiles lovingly*<br />
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Samantha xx

Thank you solowing. My crests and troughs seem to have mellowed out quite a bit.

I know a bit of what you speak. On the high, you're hyper as hell, almost giddy for no reason. Sleep? Who needs that? The other face of the coin are the times where "stuck on high" means being irritable and agitated, like you want to hit yourself with a hammer until your mind stops (and you really wish you could sleep). And then the bottom falls out (or, insert quicksand analogy here), and you want to find a nice dark quiet hole and go to sleep forever. Heaven forbid you've got work due on the bottom end; if I'm lucky I can all but hide from the world for a couple days, going only to "absolutely necessary" classes and slogging through work (which I ordinarily enjoy). If not, that's how papers get turned in 5 days late, and one scores a D- on a computer science exam (in an otherwise bonehead easy class). I'm fortunate enough not to utterly break down, but it's close more often than I'd like, no fun like being on the verge of tears (and I'm definitely not given to shedding them) at work, for no reason.

jokersmrs and Robert1256. Thank you so much for your comments. Things have gotten better since I posted this story. I'm on a different course of meds. As much as I hate taking them, they seem to be working pretty well.

The med's are a damned if you do and damed if you dont. I keep on tract with mine because I am affraid of what would happen if I did'nt. The tear's, they can just come out of nowhere. I was talking with my boss the other day and felt them comming on and had to get away by myself to fight them off. Tear's, another thing that worry's me. As much as I hate them I also fear getting to a point where they WONT come and thus just build up inside me. But right now I am pretty much happy and I have been on a good streak for over a month now. Wishing you nothing but my best.

Aww thanks Marji!

Yes, thank you karraster. You are a good friend. You'll notice that the post was written in 2007. A lot can change in 3 years, but the fact is if I quit the meds I would be right back where I was in a matter of weeks.

I've been doing pretty good lately . I have the right combination of meds. I wish I didn't have to take them but they are the lesser of two evils.

I know how you feel, but I have very little time of feeling anything other than Useless...

I am fortunate that meds helped. You did a good job explaining what it feels like. You are right most people don't understand.

Yeah, your so right, that pretty much describes the terrible blue meanies. Depression is my evil companion. I think anyone who suffers, searches for a savior, to release them from the pain.

I know u would , Mystick. Thanks.

Oh, Babe...<br />
I would soooo hold your hand. I would hold all of you until you calmed down...<br />

Good. I've gone from paxil to lexapro to effexor to welbutrin. Paxil is a re-uptake inhibitor, probably healthier than a stimulant / blocker. I've always had lamotrigine and serequel as side dishes.

Me too, allii. The cocktail I'm on now has been working great, but I'm not sure if I'm not just high because they've changed me from a re-uptake inhibitor to a stimulant.

I also suffer from depression and I don't respond well to meds. I'm always willing to try new medications and treatments but none seem to work well for any length of time. Have you ever been treated or diagnosed with a mood disorder or depression? Maybe medication would help you?

Hi,<br />
<br />
I know how scared you can get - I have the same problem - and I suffer from panic attacks as well... I am on meds for depression - but I don't know if they are working or not - lifes' situations can be complicated by just the time of day and it makes it hard to deal. I know exactly how you feel my friend - I cry all the time and when I'm not crying, I feel like crying... it's not something that you can control - it's not something anyone can control. It's an illness - a disease - just like cancer - and guess what? It can KILL like cancer... I wish you all the best....