Living In Limbo

Well, nobody else wants to share - so I will.  I have been suffering from depression since my second daughter was born 6 years ago.  I didn't even know it - but my moods were ok then all of a sudden I would snap and get nasty!

My doc diagnosed me with depression and put me on Cilexa.  I was on that for years and then it just stopped working - I never really felt that it worked well for me anyway. 

A couple of months ago, I lost my job - I fell hard - trying to hurt myself and a friend ended up taking me to see a psycologist that he had seen for some time.  Now, I know you all will say that losing your job is nothing to hurt yourself over - but it was just the icing on the cake. 

I went off the deep end - babbling senseless words, and crying - shaking and not being able to define reality.  My friend was going to take me to the hospital - I begged him not to, knowing that they may not let me out. 

There is so much to learn about major depression - and I am now on new meds.  I'm not sure if they're working or not because I want to cry all the time - and lately have thought about ending my life - (I think/hope this has passed - for now anyway). 

It is an undescribable mess of emotions that float through your head - and sometimes you don't know which way you are going.  I sometimes wonder if I am bi-polar.  I have done a bit of reading on the subject - and do fall into some of the catagories that they mention. 

And if major depression, and bi-polar doesn't complicate things, well, then a sexless marriage, an affair that I don't know where it's going, and being jobless really doesn't help.  Again, it all makes me want to cry and then die... but I'm going to try to be the strong one.

My husband, I think, suffers from depression - but he is in denial - I don't know how to make him understand that it is an illness - and nothing to be ashamed of. 

He doesn't understand (or maybe he does and doesn't want to admit it), what I'm going through.  

If you suffer like I do, talk to me... maybe we can help each other!

 

 

Cheleanne Cheleanne
66-70, F
4 Responses Jul 23, 2007

Do you love your husband? Seek help together and maybe finding that common ground can help your relationship. I hv nothing to comment on your affair. If it is going nowhere, it may not even help to be depressed over it. <br />
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Try temp jobs to maintain a livelihood and perhaps it can open new grounds for you.

Night is always blackest just BEFORE the dawn!!!!

Wow... not good my friend. I hope it all works out for you the 2nd time around.

2 months ago, I walked off my job, I put my keys,(they're on a long chain) on the desk and said take "Take these before I hang myself with them." Monday before last I went back to work at the same hell hole, starting from scratch! Irony can be so ironic sometimes.