Trying to Pull Myself Back Up From Depressioni

I've been on a downward spiral since last fall....and lately it's becoming a real problem, so I'm trying to do something about it. It's mostly situational, but I'm fairly sure there are physical components, but the health center I went to  can't find anything wrong or they won't test what I want them to. I think there is evidence that I'm hitting mid life and there are hormonal changes...ie....the beginning beard is a dead give away!...

Situationally, I've been running on stress and such for so many years, I feel like I've just hit a wall lately. I was married to a guy from Norway for 12 years who was diabetic w/ late onset complications. (we lived in Norway because they have socialized medicine) About 2.5 years into the marriage, he had a stroke and his personality changed, he couldn't read any more, didn't do his art, was vision impaired and couldn't drive or even tell what coins were what if he went to the store, and became somewhat paranoid. 5 weeks later, our first child was born. We went through family therapy for a while and when things finally stabilized, kid nr 2 showed up....and 4 months after that, he had a new stroke and then his transplanted kidney began to fail, followed by more amputations-leg and fingers, another stroke, dialysis, umpteen rounds of pneumonia, epilepsy, mood swings etc. He died in 2003 from a ruptured artery from arterial sclerosis. We moved back to the USA in 2005, and I've been in NC for two years with my girls trying to get my business off the ground, but between the economy, exhaustion and other stuff, it's just  not going where I'd hoped etc. I don't make friends easily, but have a few,  and the guy I have been involved with lives 3000 miles away and I have not seen him in 17  months. My oldest has hit teenhood in all it's 'glory', and my youngest is very stubborn and a little hyper. Luckily, I'm not the suicidal type, but I'm also running into a rut and life is getting out of control. I end up feeling negative about everything...I know intellectually that I'm talented and basically a good person , but emotionally I feel like crap.

I've started seeing a therapist and went to the health center for tests. Sounds like they want to put me on antidepressants. I've been on them once before, and am a bit leary as they made me gain weight, made me more lethargic, or gave me horrible nightmares.  I've got to do something to pull myself out of the "pit of despair"(what movie is that from?), and I'm actively trying....I'm just frustrated, depressed, lonely and tired of feeling like this!
jeannius jeannius
36-40, F
3 Responses Jul 24, 2007

Welcome to EP. I think you'll find some therapy in this site alone. There are many wonderful and helpful people here who share your feelings and experiences. Continue to write your stories and comment on others also. It will help you in many ways. I hope you find some relief from your depressed state. If I can halp you in any way don't hesitate to ask.<br />
I'm here quite often.

Hi Jeannius<br />
<br />
Welcome to the group. I am relatively new too. It sounds like you have been through such trying years and with so many challenges...grief and loneliness.<br />
<br />
I hope you find the therapist helpful. I think that is great thing to try. Given that you have had so many difficulties in your recent years a talk therapy should be a really good move. and if it isn't doing much after a few months you could try another therapy approach.<br />
<br />
I understand that you may feel uncomfortable with the whole idea of going on medication again, particularly if last time it made you slothful and gain weight. That is something you could talk to the Dr about as not all drugs to have these as side effects. It may be that going on antidepressants combined WITH the therapy might really get things moving on you. You could aim for it to be just a temporary measure just to augment the therapy.<br />
<br />
One of the medications I have been on has really made me put on weight. However to be honest I think I may have been heading that way a bit anyway - my job is a lot more sedentary. So anyhow I managed to turn things around by going to the gym, cutting out sugar in my diet and going easy on the fat and increasing the protein. I guess I realise now that the weight gain thing now has to be managed. However the benefit I get from the medication is worth it for me - by a long shot.

CHEER UP HONEY - IM GOING THROUGH MISERY TOO. LIFE IS FUNNY (AND IM 37...SO YOUR TALKING TO AN EXPERT) IT NEVER REALLY ENDS UP AS PLANNED. AND THAT CAN HAVE A GREAT EFFECT ON A PERSON EMOTIONALLY. I TRY TO SEE THE GOOD THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON IN MY LIFE RATHER THAN THE MISERY THAT CREEPS UP UNEXPECTEDLY FROM PAST FAILURES OR THINGS THAT JUST DIDNT WORK OUT. O YES THEY COME BACK TO HAUNT - BUT WE HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL AND REALIZE (TAKE CONTROL OF OUR THINKING AND REALIZE)...THATWE CANT CHANGE HISTORY AND WE HAVE TO ROLL WITH THE GREAT BLOWS OF LIFE. ITS HARD TO DO - ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE ENGRAINED IN OUR EMOTIONS. B U T THE GOOD NEWS IS ...WE CAN GET CONTROL OF OUR THINKING AND BE HAPPY WITH THINGS IN OUR PRESENT SITUATIONS. I HOPE THIS HELPS. ILL BE WAITING TO HERE FROM YOU . BYE