Connecting With People.

The main source of my depression is connecting with people.

I grew up with my grandmother, so I didn't grow up with vh1, pop culture, sports, or any other cornerstones of commonality that most people share.

I often feel alienated from both my mother's and father's side of the family.

My mother was a schizophrenic that drowned in her bathtub when I was 16.

I've had to adjust to new step-families 3 different times.

I feel my friends are only nice to me because they pity me.

I suffer social anxiety.

All these things are mounting.  I try to enjoy life (and often do) but sometimes the amount of inadequacy I feel just after trying to start a common conversation jut makes me want to disappear.  I want to connect with people, but sometimes I'm forced to enjoy life by myelf.  That's okay, but I want more.

Well, don't expect any responses, but I just felt the need to publicly write this stuff.  Thanks!

vagabondwind vagabondwind
22-25, M
3 Responses Jul 25, 2007

It's really great you can write about it publicly. You've had it really rough and the fact that you often enjoy life is such a triumph! But connection is important and not having it can be so devastating. I'm not sure if it's any help, but you are not alone in the feelings of conversational inadequacy or being forced to enjoy life alone. I feel this way a lot, and it's really hard. But it all feels worth it when you have a moment of joy. I hope you have many of those, and I hope things do get better for you, it sounds like you deserve it.

continue to fight your social anxiety, and you will eventually get out of your depression. I truly understand what you are going through as I was also raised by my grandma at a very early age.

Well this is a good place to air out such things. You've had a traumatic past and been sheltered in a way as well. That's bound to produce some social anxiety. But I envy people like you that haven't been exposed to much pop-culture. A lot of those commonalities are quite shallow and are, to me, a sign of how anesthetized our culture is. I find it quite meaningless to converse about Flavor Flav, Dancing with the stars, or Paris Hilton. I think what seems like a curse now may be a blessing for you.