It Scares Me....

I have been depressed on and off for many years- maybe since childhood. There is a lot of depression among my family members too. I think there is a hereditary as well as a learned behavior factor involved. It frightens me. When it eases up and I feel better I am always so afraid of that darkness and hopelessness - and when I feel it coming on it fills me with dread. It is like I'm descending into darkness and there is no way to prevent it, like it is more powerful than I am and than anyone's efforts to help me. I feel ashamed of it and alone with it too sometimes. People don't want to hear about it much and I don't blame them. Especially when it lasts a long time for me or tends to reoccur. One Dr suggested i have seasonal affect disorder- I do tend to sink in the fall as the days get shorter and the winter approaches. So I recently got one of those special lights to help with that, maybe. But I know there is more to it than that. I've had lots of therapy and still go; I've tried prozac and celexa and wellbutrin.... they do help, it all helps, just doesn't eliminate or cure it and my predisposition toward it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, ever.

I was off of work for two weeks and got to really relax and it helped a lot. This week I'm back at work. I'm so tired. I wish i didn't have to work. I know lots of people find it satisfying and fulfilling and all. I'm just tired of it right now. Tired of having to focus my energy and atttention and effort on getting things done for the benefit of a corporation, tired of having to "keep a positive attitude" and "perform well." I'm even tired of having to put on a damned skirt and high heals. I'm glad women have the opportunity to get out in the world and contribute and accomplish things and all, really glad for that. i just don't wanna do it anymore. I'd rather sit in my backyard and soak up the sun, read a book, get bored, putter around the house and the yard... well anyway. That's my whine of the day!    

RebeccaRSR RebeccaRSR
46-50, F
4 Responses Jul 26, 2007

outside cures only work for outer problems. depression a disease of the soul, and requires an inner cure. (happiness works best). that darkness is what I like to refer to as the Void, its only desire is to consume. dont let it win.

I feel your pain. I also have been depressed since I was a child. Your story is very like mine. I wish you luck.

Did the light work at all?

Do you have any vacation time you can use? I know that taking a month off of school/work has really helped me to feel less burned out