13 Years and Counting

I'm 26 years old, soon to be 27. I have battled with depression since I was 13, although I have had momentary lapses of happiness.

Sometimes I believe that I'm ok, but I soon realise that i have just been pushing my depression deep down inside until it can't go any further. The only way I can explain it is as if there is a spring inside me, and my depression pushes is down and down as far as it will go, only to be forced back out with such a force that I can't control it.

I am part of a catholic family who don't talk about anything, everything is hidden and brushed under the carpet. For once in my life I should be happy. I live in a beautiful house in a beautiful part of the world. I have managed to get a brilliant job, but I'm worried about being able to hold it down. I worry constantly about what people will think of me.

I have a wonderful man in my life, but he doesn't understand how I feel. I am an alcoholic, and I scream and shout at him when I have had too much to drink because I am jealous that he is fine and I am not, even though it's not his fault. I'm frightened of him leaving me, but he doesn't want me to take medication again because the last time I tried to overdose on them.

I have suffered terrible abuse at the hands of an ex boyfriend that I can't even bring myself to remember never mind talk to a therapist about because it makes my hysterical.

I used to be a slim vibrant and optimistic young woman, but now I am an overweight bitter person who looks older than her years. I know I need to heal myself to find out if that person is still inside me somewhere. I need to deal with my problams but I don't know where to start.

Can anyone help me?

nancy1980 nancy1980
26-30, F
Aug 4, 2007