The Hatred of Self

An incredible windfall of history about my father came to me through my older sister and my mother. In short, I inherited what would seem to be just surface characteristics, things like posture and mannerisms, dry wit, etc. But over the first eighteen years of my life I absorbed what I can now identify as a deep twisted depression. There's chemical imbalance, which has to be treated with drugs and consultation, and then there's what I'm sure is just as common- hating one's self.

No matter how often I cheer myself up and remind myself that the world continues to spin, to reach out and grab hold and hang on tight, I manage to always fall back on thoughts like "I'm not good enough," "I don't deserve to be happy," "I don't fit in with anybody." These thoughts come from alienation, and it started when I was young, as a result of some of my father's influence. Consciously I wanted to play with my friends and be a happy, normal kid. But my father had some kind of social aptitude deficiency- he had no friends, per se, and people never came over to our house to visit. He was a glowering, bitter, wrathful tyrant, and avoiding his rage was one of my main priorities in my youth. It lead to imagining that I deserved the abuse, the humiliation, and the punishment I received, even during times when I was completely innocent. Both of my parents seemed to be unloading their frustrations on me and my little brother, and that was abuse. But the depression stems from a response to that, it's a manifestation of the confusion between learning from a mistake and being a victim of abuse. I walk around everyday with the weight on my shoulders of being thoroughly convinced that I am no good, that I don't deserve any happiness in my life, that none of my friends really like me. I feel like I can't trust anyone, that people don't trust me, I'll never be loved; I'm convinced that even people who act like they're my friends in reality despise me and don't want me around.

"The Truth" is that for all these negative and bizarre thoughts, that's all they are- thoughts. I talk and act unsure of myself because I talk myself into believing all these lies that I tell myself. Myself myself myself. It's all lies. To convince yourself of the opposite, that you're a good person, that you DO deserve good things to come into and be a part of your life, that people like you and want you around, THAT is the good work that needs to be done. You have to believe that you CAN turn that around, you have to un-learn the negative thoughts which plague your mind, to unravel the knots and twisted barbs of the poison that pollutes your brain. Focus, meditation, prayer, time, and sheer will- by these methods you can change who you are in your own mind, and from there move into the world as a new person. Who you are to yourself, consciousness or self-consciousness, that is the starting point of reality. "Who you are" is where "Who someone else thinks you are" comes from- it starts with you and who you want to be. You have to WANT to be happy, to be creative, to be successful. You have to WANT to make friends and be friendly and have meaningful relationships.

When you take enough time and you sit down, relax, and truly analyze yourself and your life, you can reach only one conclusion- that YOU make your life and your world. Nothing happens without you wanting it to happen. You can make all the excuses you want, but ultimately if you want to be happy and lead a happy life then you have every right to go out there and do it. Consume positivity and reject negativity. When you have negative thoughts, let them come, get a good look at them, but then let them go. Let them just float away as easily as they floated into your mind. "Be like water," Bruce Lee said. Notice that when leaves fall into a swimming pool in the fall, that most of them stay floating on the surface, and how easily they can be collected and the pool is clean again? Notice that a swift moving river can change the shape of rocks, and that powerful waterfalls can break rocks into pieces? Water, as supple and free as it is, can also be strong and powerful. Be like water, and let life flow through you and positivity and strength ride on the current.

I'm posting this as an encouragement to myself as much as to anyone else, because I still deal with it, and it's a struggle, but we DO deserve to be happy and there's nothing wrong with having to work on it.

HairyDood HairyDood
36-40, M
1 Response Jan 18, 2007

This practically describes my life, and this is such an inspiration. Thank you. :)