I Made It Through Another Day!!!
August 15, 2006
I have become so anxiety ridden that it is difficult, if not impossible, to manage. I need help and I don’t know where to turn. I feel like the bottom is about to fall out. I don’t know what to do. I, literally, don’t know what my next move should be. I need encouragement and support. I need kind and caring words and understanding. As my great friend, Jake, said to me last night: “There’s nothing in the world like a little understanding.” I feel like there is absolutely not a single soul on my side.
I feel anxious about my involvement with “James”. I truly do enjoy and appreciate his company and attention/affection. But, I know better than to be getting this involved with him. He doesn’t lead a stable lifestyle and more instability is the last thing I need in my life (right now or ever.) Sitting there last night with him and his friends, I felt SO much like I was doing something wrong…like I should be at home. But, I paused and paid attention and those people were cool company. I mean, I really enjoyed ALL of their company! I was feeling okay, sitting there with them and I thought, the only thing I’d be doing if I was at home is sitting here at this damn computer ALONE, wishing for someone to spend some time with. So, I stayed. I had an awful lot of fun playing cards and dancing. I actually enjoyed having sex with “James”, at the end of the night. But, as usual, I feel terribly guilty for it now. Even while I was doing it, I felt like I was doing something terribly wrong. Am I just being hard on myself? Or do I really just care a whole lot about doing the right thing?
I’ve been trying to call my son for, at least, the past hour but, my heart won’t stop pounding hard and fast…the butterflies in my stomach are awful. I don’t know what to say to him. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing…desperately afraid. I’m so ******* unsure of myself! I feel like I’ve done so much damage and I don’t know how to repair it.
My heart hurts….through and through….figuratively and physically.
I feel utterly and completely vulnerable and disarmed; unsure of myself.
I’m beginning to feel like I’m shutting down and have recently considered getting back on medication. I just don’t feel competent. I’m disoriented.