I Made It Through Another Day!!!

August 15, 2006

   I have become so anxiety ridden that it is difficult, if not impossible, to manage.  I need help and I don’t know where to turn.  I feel like the bottom is about to fall out.  I don’t know what to do.  I, literally, don’t know what my next move should be.  I need encouragement and support.  I need kind and caring words and understanding.  As my great friend, Jake, said to me last night:  “There’s nothing in the world like a little understanding.”  I feel like there is absolutely not a single soul on my side. 

   I feel anxious about my involvement with “James”.  I truly do enjoy and appreciate his company and attention/affection.  But, I know better than to be getting this involved with him.  He doesn’t lead a stable lifestyle and more instability is the last thing I need in my life (right now or ever.)  Sitting there last night with him and his friends, I felt SO much like I was doing something wrong…like I should be at home.  But, I paused and paid attention and those people were cool company.  I mean, I really enjoyed ALL of their company!  I was feeling okay, sitting there with them and I thought, the only thing I’d be doing if I was at home is sitting here at this damn computer ALONE, wishing for someone to spend some time with.  So, I stayed.  I had an awful lot of fun playing cards and dancing.  I actually enjoyed having sex with “James”, at the end of the night.  But, as usual, I feel terribly guilty for it now.  Even while I was doing it, I felt like I was doing something terribly wrong.  Am I just being hard on myself?  Or do I really just care a whole lot about doing the right thing?

   I’ve been trying to call my son for, at least, the past hour but, my heart won’t stop pounding hard and fast…the butterflies in my stomach are awful.  I don’t know what to say to him.  I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing…desperately afraid.  I’m so ******* unsure of myself!  I feel like I’ve done so much damage and I don’t know how to repair it.

   My heart hurts….through and through….figuratively and physically.

   I feel utterly and completely vulnerable and disarmed; unsure of myself.

  I’m beginning to feel like I’m shutting down and have recently considered getting back on medication.  I just don’t feel competent.  I’m disoriented.

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
17 Responses Aug 16, 2006

Before i start i apologize for the spelling and grammer errors. I don't know you which makes it hard to encourage you.. but YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL inside and out, the decisions you make make you human and you shouldn't regret or feel guilty for anything. Mistakes sometimes are the best lessons in life you just need to decide if you consider the things you do mistakes or not. I'll end by saying nothing you chose to do should make you feel bad about yourself or your decision making. and i hope whatever is going on with you and your son improves and your relationship gets much better.


Amazon reviews. "This book helps you understand your thought process and how to turn your life around. It was well worth the money spent. I recommend this book to anyone that has depression and mood problems. "

Your not alone in your fight. I too know thay anxiety feeling of okay. Calm thr **** down. So i can think of what i shoulf be doing. Someone told me if you are going through hell. Keep going!!!!!

This was written six years ago. Are you still with us, Mystic Writer? How are you doing now? I hope all is well with you.

get back on the meds or talk to a doc and maybe find some new ones, maybe those old ones werent helping and thats why you quit, or you felt like you were getting bettter and stopped, totally wrong thing to do or think, believe me i have been there and also need to talk to my doc soon, these meds arent working. and being alone is the worst thing you could do in your state. talk to your son, even if about nothing, he needs to hear your voice and know you care. Fight on.

I used to be like that , it takes time to overcome it , anti axiety medication is a short term .Only problem is you can get dependent on it & some drugs you need to take more & more as your body gets used to it & before you know it , you have 2 problems ( anxiety & addiction to a drug ) . I started off on a weaker one 5yrs ago , then liked one called Clonazepam - wow that was awesome stuff , makes you really confident , like your another person, but doctors prescribe low amounts as you can get addicted easy . I took when i needed it like job interviews or when i was challenge din my job by other people .<br />
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The best way around Anxiety is to do Personal development courses , self help meetings , more you talk about things & hear other peoples storys , the more you become aware of who you are & how you are being , I did a course called www.landmarkeducation.com ( forum & advanced course ) . I did them 8 yrs ago , i overcame so many things & done some many goals its not funny , upto my career change now & achiveing my biggest dream/goal . I still get anxiety at times , but maybe %20 of what i used to . the choice is yours ..................

If you have meds that help use them.I did an E-stress course and use natural therapies to help as well.Breathing,bio-feedback, aromatherapy,herbs,etc and I like to watch cartoons for the laughs.Be well.

"Do not waste time on trivial pursuits. Give over your time to the daily pursuit of Oneness through the medium of whatever creates the most joy in your life. When you begin to live from that center of the Universe, all Fears diminish."<br />

I am with you getting back on to medication if it works for you. It makes no sense to suffer form anxiety if you have something that helps. I stopped driving for years because of anxiety attacks. It wasn't a problem until my common law husband died four months ago. EEEEK, behind the wheel again! Like the phone call to your children or the sitting in a room of people, I just had to go through it. I have learned not to work with the fear of driving because the actual problem is the anxiety. My file cabinet in my head that holds the fight and flight files is confused that's all! <br />
As far as your friend James, enjoy what you share with him right now. This is all you really have. This very moment is all you really need to deal with. The nice thing is, is that it's here right now following every word you are reading. After this sentence you can make a choice to learn how to live only in the mom..e..nt................May love be with you.jj

my heart goes out to you. i'm on your side and i hope that you get to a better place soon.

This might be easy for me to say but have you tried a natural alternative? Cause i do and it does help where as meds can sometimes be more of a mood stabilizer and never fix the cause! Hope these few words help.

Can you give some suggestions sooo tired of meds . As of lAte I have been reading about magic mushrooms lsd x I have bad depression and andity. Looking for a fix

That is NOT a good place to go (shaking my head) I was an EMT...puh-lease do not self-medicate with stuff like magic-mushrooms when you are battling depression. Maybe I am reading between the lines on what you posted, but OMG! - please go for professional help.

As an EMT, as a person who is personally fighting this same battle of the anti-depression meds - let me assure you that street corner recretional LSD or psilosybin - or even the "natural option" of just going out and picking the wild mushrooms or eating ergot rust off rye bread - is a recipe for disaster.

I can relate to your isolation. It can be very debilitating. I am going to try to live my Life . Fearing worrying and doing nothing will make my LIfe worse so I msut try. I so often am frightened but wht I am frightend of I do nt know ... isoaltion? I Pray often and this does help.

i'm sorry you're feeling this way. i can honestly relate.<br />
have you considered counseling? i am really hesitant to get on any meds, but i also know i am cracking and crashing as well. i think the therapy keeps me going, or at least gives a tiny `bright-spot' through the ink of this horrible disease.

Take the medicine, it will help. Just do it. Hugs!

I often feel like you do. Right now I should be calling my daughter because she suffers from severe depression too, but I feel so anxious about what to say to her. I am not there for her because I have lost myself. I am afraid of social situations now when I used to love to get out. I would rather be alone than have to deal with people who do not understand how fragile I am emotionally. I am on meds, though, and they keep me from terrible alternatives. I would highly recommend that you give them another try. It can't hurt and could very well make life more tolerable.<br />
Just want you to know that you are not alone. I DO understand the stress you are under. We just have to "fake it til we make it", I guess.

Get back on the medication. You know you need to and it is the right thing to do.

I agree. That feeling about the meds is a good one.
Vis a vis "the right thing"...the simplest test "Does it cause hurt, harm or inconvenience to anyone, including yourself? If not, then it wasn't wrong.
How old is your son? Here's a suggestion when you do get to talk. Ask him questions that give no hint of what you might expect or hope to hear. Whatever he says just accept that's how it is for him at the moment, and don't offer any opinion or comment on it. If asks for feedback tell him you'll think about it and respond later.